I am a good human. I would have never become a second dr. Mengele.
Never doubt this – I am a good human. Good humans can make bad things, too.
So what was all that suffering for? I used to think it was for making me more empathic towards people, to make me understand them better.
But it seems it was all in vain. It had no purpose, I was the wrong person at the wrong time.

I don’t wanna live with the guilt anymore. It annoys me to discover the guilt, the shame, the pain are still there, big and strong. Guilt for being born. Guilt and shame for being born like this. Would my mother really have abandoned me if I were less than a perfectly healthy baby? I was already less than perfect being born a girl. I had to prove her I was worthy from my first hours of life. And I was worthy of life. I sucked her milk when she took me out of the incubator, proving I was healthy, worthy, that she could take me home. But what if I hadn’t done it? If I slept instead of sucking? Would she have abandoned me in that place? Would she really have given up on me? After 2 years of trying to conceive…

My brother didn’t suck at all, he’d rather sleep. But he didn’t have to prove anything. He was born a boy. And no doctor decided he should stay in an incubator.

_________________________________________

Esti in om bun.
Esti in team-player.
Contezi.
Ai cea mai mare experienta in ce faci.

Si ce? la ce conteaza ca sunt team-player, daca joc singura si acasa, si in deplasare?
Daca numai mie imi pasa, sau numai mie pare ca-mi pasa? Daca nu pot sa trec de zidurile comunicarii?
Daca mereu e vina mea, ca nu merg NICIODATA pana la capat, ca n-am suficienta incredere, ca nu incerc sufficient, ca nu sunt sufficient de … de buna, de rabdatoare, de comunicativa, de muncitoare, de atenta, de sociabila?

Niciodata nu e sufficient ce fac. Niciodata nu dau sufficient incat sa MERIT cu adevarat.

_________________________________________

Si e prea tarziu sa o iau de la capat. Nu pot sterge cu buretele. Situatia e asa, nu altfel.
Daca si parca, si daca e inexistent.
O fi prea tarziu pentru altii, dar pentru mine, NU E. Refuz sa-mi petrec restul vietii dictat de altii.
Refuz sa duc viata parintilor mei.

Voi gasi pe cineva ca mine, imperfect. Cineva care sa-mi spuna ca ma iubeste daca chiar asa simte, cineva care sa se poarte afectuos si tandru.
Cineva care sa-mi spuna ca admira cate ceva la mine, sau ii place ceva la mine, sau ca sunt speciala. Cineva care sa ma vada frumoasa macar in anumite momente.
Cineva care sa vrea sa fie cu mine cu adevarat, nu doar pentru ca soarta ne-a adus impreuna cu niste ani inainte.
Si cand voi gasi persoana asta, o voi strange in brate, fara sa cer voie. Pentru ca nu va fi nevoie.
Ma voi privi in oglinda si-mi voi spune “Te iubesc, te accept asa cum esti. Meriti. Esti in om bun care alege uneori sa faca lucruri rele. Esti in om interesant. Ai puterea sa faci ce iti doresti. Urmeaza-ti visele, te voi sprijini”.

Drumul asta e greu si sinuos, si la capatul lui ma asteapta… eu insami.

Rag’n’Bone Man – Human
Carla’s Dreams – Triunghiuri

Diferenta acum fata de alte dati e ca simt in mine o putere. Si nu ma mai indoiesc – daca azi am putere, maine n-o sa am. Daca azi vreau ceva de la viata, maine se va schimba. NU, nu mai sunt in puterea altora si nu ma mai misc dupa cum bate vantul.
Ceea ce imi doresc vine la mine – cand am nevoie de asta.

Ma lupt cu mine sa nu mai regret ce a fost – sa accept complet ce a fost si ce este. ACCEPT CE ESTE. ACCEPT CUM SUNT.
Altfel nu am sanse sa schimb viitorul.

for (i=0; i<n; i++)
for (j=i; ja[j]
{ aux=a[i];
a[i]=a[j];
a[j]=aux;
};

Idfc. But I DO fucking care. I still care.
I will care until my last breath.

Maybe things do not touch me as they used to, but I’m not dead inside yet. I’m just more selective and less impressionable.
Maybe not a dragon, but at least an owl. Picture from here.

albino-screech-owl