getting more comfortable with what I cannot have
with what I had and I had lost
or what I had and let go
I dreamt you some nights ago. The old you. You rarely scared me, perhaps I saw you as too soft for me.
The first panic attack. I had it when I was 10. In the Black Cat night. I didn’t know what it was back then. I just knew I had to run away from there, even with the price of leaving my little brother behind. That was a terror I felt only a few times in my life. Without any control of the situation, at the mercy of humans that wanted to do bad things to me. So I have fought – that was a moment when I could do it. I spilled their blood and I ran away faster than I ran in my life.
And when I got home, I cried and lost my breath, and cried for help and asked for my parents to come and rescue me from that place. Although I had already mastered the art of crying without sound, I shouted from the top of my lungs, as I should have shouted at those humans, but I was too afraid.
Fear, fury, anger, rage, terror, why me, why me, why they, they were supposed to be my friends. And my relatives as traitors, they wouldn’t help me at all, they left me there. And my grandparents traitors, they didn’t tell me what would happen there, just threatened me. And my parents traitors, they left me there promising they’d come back. And my brother that had run away. Nobody will protect me but myself. I don’t trust anyone anymore. I don’t believe anybody loves me anymore.
And that was the Night of the Black Cat. They called me the Black Cat afterwards. I had broken another child’s nose and hit many of them.
I got punished not to leave the courtyard for the next 2 weeks.
The attackers? Nothing happened to them, other than bruises and that broken nose.
23 years gone by and I still hate one of them bitterly. Whenever I saw him, the terror and rage came back to me. The fear, the disgust. I wanted to kill him. I wanted him dead after I found out what would have happened to me if I hadn’t run, what happened to other girls in that same place.
Humans are humans that become animals so quickly.
Incet, incet, se va cauteriza trauma asta.
Si intr-o zi n-o sa-mi mai fie teama de barbati.
Si voi avea eu propriul meu fiu. O parte din mine va fi libera 🙂
Priveste, mama, intr-o zi
Voi elibera acest neam din povara fricii
Incredibila frica de masculinitate
Aia pe care o etalati voi prin toti porii,
Voi, femeile, care puteti, care faceti, care sunteti
Mai barbati decat barbatii vostri.
Oblivion. Aia va fi noaptea pisicii si atat. Noaptea in care nu voi mai fi nevoita sa lupt.