Last January was grey, deep, dark grey. Because of work.
This is less grey because of work, and more grey because of other stuff.

I’ve recently written a post about loving myself.
I somehow love myself – my mind, my soul, my body. I’m not proud of everything, I still criticize many things at me. Yet I’ve started paying more attention to me. To my physical appearance. Since October, I’ve worn a skirt 6 times. Got nice shoes. I’ve recently bought lipstick and used it in some days. I keep track of what I’m eating more than I use to do it.

But it’s not enough, YET.
[paranthesis: many of my struggles, both personal and at work, are invisible to people, who sometimes consider I don’t do anything]

Because for some people it was never enough, now it’s very hard for me to reach the “enough”. Yet now these changes are enough. For more changes, next month and the next months and so on.

My belly is big, round and fat. It was always round and big (but not that fat). My belly is a remembering of the things that scared me, terrorized me in the last years, of my failings and victories. My belly is also the cemetery of my emotions – fear, anxiety, concerns, worries – they are all a huge void in my stomach. I used to eat to fill that void. Eat chocolate, sweets, or chips and spicy almonds. All to get me to a comfort zone, or to avoid having another anxiety attack, or a dreaded panic attack.
For someone who keeps calm most of the time, what I have written here is SF. But it doesn’t matter. That is how I am – easily stressed. That i how I have behaved – eating to feel less stressed. It didn’t change overnight and I didn’t change this behaviour completely.
My belly will not disappear over night. My belly is still a very important part of me – I gave it the power to protect me. I didn’t let it own me. So it doesn’t bother me that it has grown up so much. Because I know it’s transitory.
My belly will start disappearing when the reason for protection will have disappeared. That, plus sport and a balanced diet. In 1 or 2 years, my belly will not look like this anymore.

And my life with you will probably be much different.

In the meanwhile, I am still mourning. Some people come into your life for a season, a reason or a lifetime. And I think there was a big reason in your case.

Braveheart soundtrack (especially 0:42)