Last Sunday night I dreamt a lot. Some particular scene stayed with me. We were in a house, me and several relatives. I was washing glasses when my mother came, I heard rumours, she had been hit by my father in the face, near the left eye. I bursted with anger, I took the crystal glass I was washing and smashed it against the floor. Pieces flew all over the rug.
And I started shouting at my father, really loud “Why?? Whyyy would you do that???”. I was coming so angry towards him, that he started walking backwards. I touched his chest aggressively (somewhat pushing him), then I realized what I was doing (that he’d never forgive me if I’d push him, for him it would be like hitting him). So I stopped pushing and rather touched more lightly (almost caressing), and my voice toned down. My attitude changed to furious, but empathetic and careful. Then I blacked out. When I recovered, relatives were talking in a soft voice, almost whispering (they were Indian relatives?) and my father was lying in a bed, definitely feeling down. Afterwards, I was picking up the pieces pf the broken glass. My mother seemed unaffected.

Sunday evening or Monday morning, my father had a cerebral attack. More serious than the other one which was around this Easter. He got to the hospital on Tuesday evening. RMN showed he doesn’t have Alzheimer, but he had around 10 cerebral attacks until now. His memory is so affected because he literally has holes in his brain. At the moment, he’s like a 5-year old child. When my mother told him he couldn’t drive anymore, he started crying. It was one of the last things he had over my mother, it was a symbol of his manhood.
The doctor who told me about his RMN stated how important it is for him to be sheltered somewhere, or he won’t recover.
I have 3 weeks to find a place and some doctors.

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This means giving away the hope of my daughter(s) going to a private school. We won’t have enough money for an asylum and private schools. Not to mention moving to a larger place.
Well, I knew this day would come, didn’t I? I didn’t know it would come so soon and… in this manner.
When I talked to my father today, I could barely understand his words. He seemed so tired and confused. As the conversation ended, I told him to take care. I wanted to tell him I loved him, but I couldn’t. I never told him that. I don’t remember him telling it to me, either. So I couldn’t say the words. And now I feel them in my throat and it’s hard to breathe.

Why did you do this to yourself, father? Why did you drink 2,5 litres of beer in 4 hours, knowing very well you had diabetes? Why didn’t you take pills and do the injections? Why didn’t you eat the food that mother left you? All these years you pretended you didn’t have anything and tried to destroy yourself, to take revenge… on who? Yourself? Mother? Us? Over that woman who betrayed you?

Something is gone and I can’t fix it, I can’t do anything about it, I can’t even cry over it.

But I love you, father, I do. With all your flaws. I tried to understand you. I’m sorry I couldn’t forgive you. But I love you.

No rest for the wicked like me. Lykke Li – No rest for the wicked