There are so many things unsaid, unseen, un-recognised. As if not admitting something exists would somehow make it dead.
It’s the same trap. Only back then I was a child and had no power. While now I am an adult and just feel powerless.
My father has a terrible disease and denies it. My mother does the same.
He fears he’ll be abandoned. She wants to run away.
Sometimes I get really afraid they might kill each other. And I realize we’re all trapped again.
This is a situation where money could help (pay someone to stay with him all the time – if only he’d accept!), but money wouldn’t change the underlying problem. That they hate each other and yet they are so linked. And they hate it, they hate the link, their dependency.
Which brings me into the equation, since I somehow united them, 33 years ago. Which pissed them off and made me feel guilty so many years.
And the irony is I still unite them, through my kids.
I know this will not end up well. There will be blood and tears and the overwhelming guilt on all sides.
Except now I no longer ask myself “what if I were a boy?”. It wouldn’t have changed anything. Not the unhappiness, not the quarrels, not the money talks and relative talks, not the cheating, not the beatings, not the depressions, not the insults and not the lack of money, or love, or understanding.
Now that I know it wasn’t my gender that caused these things, I feel somehow liberated. It was my conceiving that brought them together and determined their marriage. That was the starting point of their miserable life together.
I don’t feel guilty anymore. I didn’t ask to be born, they wanted me, they really wanted me. It is not my fault they were so unhappy together. It is not my fault they got to hate each other so much. It’s not my fault about the cheating and the fighting. It’s not my fault they have rejected their themselves and their children.
I will take responsability for their future, but I will no longer accept blame for their past.
From now on, I am free to be a woman.
I’ll make them a present – spend time with them and the kids. Some days together, trying to be calm and patient. Who knows how much time they still have?
Miserable lives… with no peace of mind, no peace of soul. Still not wasted. They had us. We are not Nobel prize winners, and failed to complete their contradictory dreams, yet we’re here, not that bad.
My parents will die someday. I lie myself I’m prepared, but I’m not. Even though the parents in my head will always stay there.
I wish them to find peace of mind and hearts. To live the rest of their lives in peace and joy. And may their passing be as easy as possible for them.