Last night, I heard you giggling in your sleep. That’s a precious sound, which I haven’t heard in years.
I wonder where it went – that joy and nonchalance of living that first attracted me in you. In place of them, there’s the “I don’t give a fuck” and the words that make me feel I’m doing everything wrong.
I know I’m guilty for a lot of your attitude. It’s not I’m less than perfect, it’s just that I’m so far away from how I ought to be. Reliable, calm, caring. Sticking to the plan or, at least, having a good reason to change the plan.
And definitely not changing the plan 5 times in 2 minutes.
It’s really hard to live with someone like this.
I mean, it’s really difficult for myself to live inside me.

So yes, I understand where the giggle went, and it saddens and it bitters me.
It was a good dream the one in which I was walking in your shoes. I understand a bit better your perspective. Not once you asked me to be perfect. You do ask me to be consistent. To put limits and enforce them – on myself, on the kids, on other people. To stop being so messy and disorderly in my thoughts and actions. To stop procrastination, ie. to take action instead of spending so much time on planning and “what-ifs” scenarios.
You also ask me to be more reliable and trustworthy and keep my word. Nothing alien so far.

Then why am I not like that? Reliable, consistent, trustworthy. Trustful. Active. Dedicated.

Come to think of it, everyone asks the same things of me. You, my boss, my kids, my parents.
Then why am I not like that? It’s absurd, isn’t it? Why me? and… Why not me? Why wouldn’t I become like that?

I’m definitely better/closer than a while ago. But I’m still not there. So…
Can you still bear with me for a while?


“St. Jude”

Another conversation with no destination
Another battle; never won
And each side is a loser
So who cares who fired the gun?

And I’m learning, so I’m leaving
And even though I’m grieving
I’m trying to find the meaning
Let loss reveal it
Let loss reveal it

St. Jude, the patron saint of the lost causes
St. Jude, we were lost before she started
St. Jude, we lay in bed as she whipped around us
St. Jude, maybe I’ve always been more comfortable in chaos

And I was on the island and you were there too
But somehow through the storm I couldn’t get to you
St. Jude; somehow she knew
And she came to give her blessing while causing devastation
And I couldn’t keep my mouth shut, I just had to mention
Grabbing your attention

Florence and The Machine – St. Jude

(another magnificent couple of Virgo-Scorpio)