Run, run, run, girl, run, run, run, run to whatever.

Just do it. I just gotta find out what.

Linkin Park – New Divide
Linkin Park – Burn it down


In my dream, I already was with someone, yet there I was in a shop with a manboy, one I had never kissed or touched; I chose him some underwear (white with colourful ladybugs on them), and there was a flow of trust and strong intimacy between us, not only sparks, but full flow of energy and power and joy and trust.
Then I had walked home where my father was, and I felt completely safe and trusting in his presence. Because of the interaction with the manboy? Whom I had never touched, but was so sure about him, about us 3 (me+my guy+the manboy). I realised I was truly, truly ok being around a man.
Then I woke up and asked myself what was about the manboy, who was short and blonde, but not fragile or delicate. And I realised GRR Martin’s “The Dying of the Light” had gotten in my dream. While the part of my father was brought in by my subconscious.

I now know why my mother was so afraid of men all her life… and she poured that fear inside me.


Yet now we divide our brains and we pretend nothing happened 45 years ago, or 16 years ago. Or never.
Oh, the hypocrisy, the self-telling lies, the cognitive dissonance.
But why did it start?? Why, why, why????
Why do some things start? They might be inherited from an ancestor, but how did the ancestor get to them? Or what? Or does evil really reside in us people? And some curiosities are more evil then others.


This is another thing that differentiated me as a kid, the interminable “whys”. Getting to the start of everything, and desperately trying to get to the essence, to understand.
And now I see there are things which I DON’T wanna understand, because I do understand them so well.
Never thought I’d say this, but thank God I was born a girl…


I still wonder about the blonde manboy. That was a familiar face, although I couldn’t find it in the blonde men faces I consciously know. And it definitely was no child of mine.
But… but… that state of trust and power and joy… might I find it with my own baby boy?
Well, yes, I do want a 3rd child. I know it’s against all odds, it’s completely irrational and it’d destroy the remaining pieces of what I have, yet I yearn for it. The 3rd child, that would be for me.