What are my demons? Saturn left Scorpio, leaving me tormented.

5 years I was a hard working person, appreciated by peers and bosses. Then I had kids and stayed at home. I used that time for some courses and for taking my certification.
After I returned, everything was different, The people, the company, the projects. And my motivation. I still liked what I did, though it was difficult with so many stupid rules and so many products. And then the announcement came: some people needed to go. I felt my position was insecure, so I left with some mates for another project.
Things were really new – a different side of IT, the way to do things, the work methodology. The manager appreciated me, but my team-leader did not. The project itself was frustrating and didn’t seem to have any future. So I left after half an year to another company, hoping to do something more familiar. It wasn’t the case. Although the working environment was really nice and the coleagues were ok, I didn’t feel I belonged there. The first 2 weeks I had several panic attacks… daily. It was painful to leave the familiar places and the familiar people.
It was really hard to leave the company in which I had been working for so many years, but it was a good thing than deciding to switch companies and projects, I learnt there was still life after my old project.
At this new company, things weren’t going very well. Teeth became my biggest health problem. Somehow, I solved teeth and the rest.
And then I was fired, the company had financial problems, so they let go a lot of people.
It was mid December when it happened. I was shocked, but considered it to be the best things that happened to me in 2014.
Yes, it was a good thing that I had been fired, otherwise I don’t know if I would’ve left.

After the Holidays, there came interviews. First offer came from the old company, for a brand new project that promised to use my networking knowledge. I discussed with several companies, yet that project seemed really appealing. So I signed the contract and started work.
That was a very stressful period, with 2-3 interviews per day, and a lot of psychological stress – my parents and in-laws didn’t know I was jobless, I tried to keep appearances. Each interview was like an exam. It was painful and fearful to discover that my knowledge was not enough, my soft skills weren’t very good, and what I had been happily doing for some years is no longer of interest. I was frightened about the money, being used with some financial independece; with my relatioves’reaction if I were to stay at home longer. I didn’t feel a good mother at all, and I know I’m not a good house keeper.
I was really tormented in that period… felt like a failure, and this goes on.
For this new job is so much different than what it seemed. The daily meetings put a huge pressure on my shoulders- I’m supposed to show what I’ve worked, or watch a presentation and then remember 30-45 minutes of data. I get home very late and my kids are not happy, so they put up tantrums or they wake up screaming in the middle of the night. I’m not happy either, it’s depressing to see everybody leaving office while I’m still trying stuff and sending mails.
And the work… it’s like nobody read my CV before hiring me. It felt more like a developer’s job in the beginning. I’ve running all my life from programming and it caught me eventually. Well, I’d rather learn Chinese, the Mandarin seems more tangible.

So, I’m doing something I don’t know and which I don’t like, and the money isn’t great either. I leave home at 8 and get back at 20:30. How the hell am I gonna find motivation for this?
I’m 32 and don’t know anything else that would bring me money. I’d start on learning Montessori for 0-3 years, but I lack the time and money. And I have a family to take care of.

I wanna run away from the IT world, from the corporations. I don’t wanna work in a corporation anymore. Learn and learn and learn and still get nowhere.
Stay at least 8 hours on a chair, while my body screams: Get up! Write mails and reports, have the meetings, feel so stupid and embarassed in front of younger coleagues who “know it”. Why don’t I know it? It’s not that I’ve been lazy, I just know different stuff. In 2-3 years, we’ll all have to learn something else. And so on.
But I want real things, things that won’t change just because someone moved an X to the center of a page.
I want people, not computers. Real, not abstract.

So how do I get over this dichotomy? Or just over feeling and being a failure? I’ve got an age, and a family, and I’m as if I had left college yesterday. Not knowing, not understanding. And not wanting it.
I have taken a wrong decision when picking the college, it seemed the right decision back then. Actually, it was the only decision. But what do I do NOW?

What do I do now… I feel I definitely need a vacation, a psychological one…

Sarah McClane – Gloomy SUNday