You create misery

Insanity means losing myself, not knowing who I am and losing contact with reality.
Insanity is my biggest fear. Bigger than fear of water, height, dark, speed, fall and the rest. Even than death, at least death would find ME.
Insanity is insidious. But I’m not insane.
I may not know who I am, but I haven’t lost contact with reality.
Maybe that’s why all the others have shut themselves. This is the biggest threat, right? Losing myself.

last night’s dream:
I was with D. on top of a vehicle that would take us to France.
We were on top of hays of green grass.
The vehicle was moving really fast over rivers and hops, we were holding onto each other and holding onto the hays. The landscapes were beautiful, but we didn’t pay much attention, as we could have fallen easily.
When the vehicle stopped, we were in front of some paper constructions, which wanted to imitate some luxury buildings. Us and several other couples, all visiting France.
And the dream kinda ended there.

I wasn’t scared of the speed, or that I might have fallen. I wasn’t thrilled of going to France, either, although I’ve never been there. I didn’t feel anything.

In stark contrast, last evening was so full of overwhelming emotions.
Really big panic attack. And the tears, although they didn’t bring any relief.

I wanna run away
And never say goodbye

But I can’t run anymore. Not even in real life.
I’m stuck and can only rotate in the same position. Until when?

I find it hard to breathe.
It happens several times a day.

There are things harder than writing programs in Java:
– reading Aristotle’s Metaphysics
– weaning a baby (but I did it!)
– learning Chinese (i’d rather do that)

Kosheen – Damage (dedication to myself)

The way a child is brought up will leave permanent marks on the brain.
The same applies to depression.