Why do I feel as though everything is almost lost? When I was thinking I’d make a trade with the Devil, I was referring to letting go ppl I knew, safety, less hours for work and more hours with kids. Not with the Devil in my mind.
I’ve got no idea why I’m so kiddish emotionally. Panic attack. I fear it’s gonna come a big one and I don’t wanna have it at work.
There are many times in which I wanna get out and just run, run, run. This happened in the other workplace as well, but here is even clearer.
What’s so scary? Nobody here is a friend, acceptive or just a sympathetic ear, and I’m so scared…

Scare/scar.

Michael Nyquist – The heart seeks pleasure first
Clive Mansell – Lux Aeterna/Requiem for a Dream

Run, run, run, run, run.
Am I trying to meet my Nemesis? And then I’d be lost.

One day I had to become the hunt again. It was my favourite game in childhood. Being chased, escaping hunters and hiding in a close place, looking at them searching for me.
But we’re no longer kids playing hide’n’seek. It’s a real game now. And I feel I’m the hunt… for who? Who’s chasing me? And why? And where to run and feel safe?

The only safe place is around my kids. And that time is now so limited…
Pressure increasing. The “shoulda, woulda, coulda”.

And I can’t even say “Fuck it” anymore. ‘Cause now it’s no longer just about me.