Too good not to steal it from here:
Not All There asked about a Dr Seuss version. Without further ado, I present
Twilight, by Dr. Seuss
Jake likes a girl. Her name is Bella.
Bella likes a different fella.
See this vamp? This is Ed.
Ed is pale. Ed is dead.
Ed saved Bella from a van.
Ed must be a special man.
Ed won’t kill boys. He won’t kill girls.
Ed gets fed on deer and squirrels.
This is James. He’s a tracker.
He’s a sort of vamp attacker.
James hunts Bella for a thrill.
Will Ed kill him? Yes, he will.
But James gave her a little bite.
Will she be a vamp? She might!
Edward fixes Bella’s cut.
She won’t be a vampire.
She becomes one. Read some more.
She’s a vampire in book 4.