It’s exactly the thing I cannot do.
One reason for which I loved my workplace – if one day I really didn’t wanna go to work (and there was nothing important to do), I could’ve stayed at home. Very useful when you’re on the verge of a nervous breakdown.
Now I’m a mummy and there’s no one I can call to take one hour off.
The baby doesn’t know the meaning of patience. Give me a minute! or I can’t pee while holding you has no meaning for her. As her crying gets more and more senseless to me. Does she cry because she’s jealous? She hits because she’s mad at me. She wants to suckle all the time because she feels I wanna run away.
Yes, I wanna run away and find a headache pill and get some sleep. I hate interrupted sleep. I hate going to sleep at 22, even if I don’t want to. I hate waking up at 1 to drink water and start the Apocalypse – which will last until 3:30. And no, I cannot send her to the other room and let her play there. We went together and played together and I couldn’t get back to sleep until 4. Continuous nibbling until 8. No wonder I have this major headache. All plans for today went nowhere.
Is there any life after the canines? I thought we’d be through with them, 2 canines appeared – small, but white and visible. Yesterday she wouldn’t suckle all day long. I thought “wow, we’re over”. It compensated through the night.
And today she doesn’t want to eat anything. Her crackers? No. Milk in her bottle? No. Banana shake? No. Mother milk? Hell, I’ll rip your shirt to get there!
Under these conditions, I’ve started thinking what the hell was in my head considering the second baby. Oh, not to mention how annoying are the relatives praising my daughter for being “cuminte” (WHAT THE FUCK DOES THAT MEAN?????????????? making me lose my minds counts as opposite to “cuminte”?). And the trick is that I cannot talk to anybody about it, because they’d all come with the known advice “take her to grandparents and leave her there”. This would come after a preaching of “why are you on with second baby? you see how difficult it is with only one!”and the extended lactation preachment.
So no, I cannot talk to relatives or friends. When I was child-less, many parents told me “you will see when you have yours”. I understand it now. If you don’t have a child, it’s very easy to tell someone “take the baby to grandparents and leave it there, so you have time to sleep/read/go shopping etc.”. But it’s not that easy. Even after a horrible night like this one, the idea of letting her go makes me cry more than she made cry.
And I wonder – what am I going to do with 2 children? 2 little children and one incoming nervous breakdown. Will I have to give up on one of them? I can do it physically, but mentally and emotionally – some things drain me.
I haven’t seen these kind of posts on other parents’blogs (or don’t remember). Doesn’t it happen to everybody from time to time? Maybe not, or they can handle things in other ways. I handle things like my daughter: instead of rising above the issue, I dwell in it. When you’re 18 months, it’s understandable. When you’re almost 29, it’s not.
I don’t want my toddler to count to ten or know the alphabet and 5 songs until she’s two. I want her to have a bit of empathy. As I want a bit of empathy from my parents, from the “lost parent” generation.