Remember Wikus from District 9?
A good soul and soft hearted, who turned out to be a little coward, pathetic prick who deceived the only life form trying to help him. Thinking only of himself, he tried to steal the alien ship and the alien’s baby, without thinking that his life is puny against the life of 2 mil. aliens that could be saved.
I was very angry while watching that scene, and not even his returning and rescuing the alien clamed me. What a darned human! What an ignorant, selfish, coward could he be! How could humanity live within such an exemplaire?
But then… I am Wikus, as well. Coward and selfish. Thinking, yes, but not too much.With a shell on (be it human or alien) and a great instinct of self-preservation, which helped a lot when it came to stabbing friends.
Poor humanity. I walk among people and live among them and see the signs of dehumanization (oh, I definitely have an eye for that), yet fail consistently in recognizing and accepting them in me.
But, as Wikus, in the end, here comes acceptance of what we created and cannot be changed. So we could actually continue to live.

***

Funny, there are still a lot of prejudices in my mind regarding girls. Most people around say it’s harder to grow up a girl, as compared to raising a boy. I disagreed, but not anymore.. It still seems to me the girl should have a more solid moral education (difficult to explain why), and it’s harder to achieve this.
Thinking I’d have a boy, I was first disappointed (stupid, indeed), apparently for no reason. I wanted a girl to whom I could provide love and safety and be the father I didn’t have. Only she’d already have a father different than the one I had. So I’d stick to being mother.
Be it boy or girl, I want my kid to be proud of me. Perhaps I could guide him/her not to make some mistakes I made. Shouldn’t I be more mature for this? I’m trying to get comfortable with the idea of “go with the flow”.
I wish I had more time to heal wounds and figure out what I wanna do with my life. On the other hand, I had at least 10 years for this and still no result. Perhaps the answer is there, one little pinch and it’ll grab me.

I hope we’ll smile together when reading this 15 years from now on.