Fiecare zi e o mica particica

A marii batalii

Ce o port zi de zi…

De ce mi-e asa frica? Stiu ca nu as face gestul. Prea mult sange, prea multi oameni in jur, si nu-s genul care sa puna oamenii pe drumuri aiurea.
Dar e nitel inspaimandator sa ma uit la o lama si sa ma gandesc, sa-mi imaginez, sa stiu…

Ma prefac ca nu-mi e teama de moarte, ma prefac ca as putea trece peste orice. Imi imaginez cum as trai mai departe fara, schilodita si rupta, totusi inca in viata.
Dar adevarul e ca mi-e frica. De moarte, de viitor. De ziua de maine. De mine. De cum voi ajunge la 35 de ani. De 40 de ani. De viata pe care o vor avea copiii mei. De cum vor mai trai parintii mei. Si tot asa…

Stiu ca anxiosii traiesc in viitor. Guess what, atacurile de panica erau cauzate de anxietate. Habar n-am sa traiesc in prezent, asta invatam de la copii, si ele nu sunt acum pe langa mine.

Sa regresez, deci, sa impletesc, sa accept si sa-mi accept…
Si sa trec mai departe.

It’s in the blackened bones
Of bridges I have burned
So don’t apologize
I’m losing what I don’t deserve
What I don’t deserve

Read more: Linkin Park – Burning In The Skies Lyrics | MetroLyrics

“Iridescent”

When you were standing in the wake of devastation
When you were waiting on the edge of the unknown
And with the cataclysm raining down
Insides crying, “Save me now!”
You were there, impossibly alone

Do you feel cold and lost in desperation?
You build up hope, but failure’s all you’ve known
Remember all the sadness and frustration
And let it go. Let it go

And in a burst of light that blinded every angel
As if the sky had blown the heavens into stars
You felt the gravity of tempered grace
Falling into empty space
No one there to catch you in their arms

Do you feel cold and lost in desperation?
You build up hope, but failure’s all you’ve known
Remember all the sadness and frustration
And let it go. Let it go

Do you feel cold and lost in desperation?
You build up hope, but failure’s all you’ve known
Remember all the sadness and frustration
And let it go. Let it go

Let it go
Let it go
Let it go
Let it go

Do you feel cold and lost in desperation?
You build up hope, but failure’s all you’ve known
Remember all the sadness and frustration
And let it go. Let it go

Look at me, I’m so close
As I’ll ever be.
I’m not a child, not yet a woman.
I’m still a teenager,
Anxious and lost and uncertain:
how’s life going to be
what will it bring to me
what control do i have over things
how will i be worth remembering…

Take everything from the insideAnd throw it all away

Why the hell am I here?
In this world, in this place, in this body, in this sex.

Been listening to a lot of Linkin Park lately.
Now is Blackout.

What did I choose in life?
– be a tester
– not be a programmer
– have child no 1
– have child no 2, 2 years later
– believe in someone i had never seen
– break-up with my soul-mate
– break-up when someone needed me most
– give birth at home
– breastfeed
– tandem breastfeeding
– go to USA
– leave the Project, the Company
– return on something very different
– go to Therapy
– take my kids daily to a place where they’d be treated with respect
– not to hit my kids consciously
– not to use punishments and rewards
– always show+tell my kids that i love them

———————————-
The cycle repeated
As explosions broke in the sky
All that I needed
Was the one thing I couldn’t find

———————————–
Take me down to the river bend
Take me down to the fighting end
Wash the poison from off my skin
Show me how to be whole again

Fly me up on a silver wing
Past the black where the sirens sing
Warm me up in a nova’s glow
And drop me down to the dream below

‘Cause I’m only a crack in this castle of glass
Hardly anything there for you to see
For you to see

Last night, I heard you giggling in your sleep. That’s a precious sound, which I haven’t heard in years.
I wonder where it went – that joy and nonchalance of living that first attracted me in you. In place of them, there’s the “I don’t give a fuck” and the words that make me feel I’m doing everything wrong.
I know I’m guilty for a lot of your attitude. It’s not I’m less than perfect, it’s just that I’m so far away from how I ought to be. Reliable, calm, caring. Sticking to the plan or, at least, having a good reason to change the plan.
And definitely not changing the plan 5 times in 2 minutes.
It’s really hard to live with someone like this.
I mean, it’s really difficult for myself to live inside me.

So yes, I understand where the giggle went, and it saddens and it bitters me.
It was a good dream the one in which I was walking in your shoes. I understand a bit better your perspective. Not once you asked me to be perfect. You do ask me to be consistent. To put limits and enforce them – on myself, on the kids, on other people. To stop being so messy and disorderly in my thoughts and actions. To stop procrastination, ie. to take action instead of spending so much time on planning and “what-ifs” scenarios.
You also ask me to be more reliable and trustworthy and keep my word. Nothing alien so far.

Then why am I not like that? Reliable, consistent, trustworthy. Trustful. Active. Dedicated.

Come to think of it, everyone asks the same things of me. You, my boss, my kids, my parents.
Then why am I not like that? It’s absurd, isn’t it? Why me? and… Why not me? Why wouldn’t I become like that?

I’m definitely better/closer than a while ago. But I’m still not there. So…
Can you still bear with me for a while?

 

“St. Jude”

Another conversation with no destination
Another battle; never won
And each side is a loser
So who cares who fired the gun?

[Pre-Chorus:]
And I’m learning, so I’m leaving
And even though I’m grieving
I’m trying to find the meaning
Let loss reveal it
Let loss reveal it

[Chorus:]
St. Jude, the patron saint of the lost causes
St. Jude, we were lost before she started
St. Jude, we lay in bed as she whipped around us
St. Jude, maybe I’ve always been more comfortable in chaos

And I was on the island and you were there too
But somehow through the storm I couldn’t get to you
St. Jude; somehow she knew
And she came to give her blessing while causing devastation
And I couldn’t keep my mouth shut, I just had to mention
Grabbing your attention

Florence and The Machine – St. Jude

(another magnificent couple of Virgo-Scorpio)

Run, run, run, girl, run, run, run, run to whatever.

Just do it. I just gotta find out what.

Linkin Park – New Divide
Linkin Park – Burn it down

 

In my dream, I already was with someone, yet there I was in a shop with a manboy, one I had never kissed or touched; I chose him some underwear (white with colourful ladybugs on them), and there was a flow of trust and strong intimacy between us, not only sparks, but full flow of energy and power and joy and trust.
Then I had walked home where my father was, and I felt completely safe and trusting in his presence. Because of the interaction with the manboy? Whom I had never touched, but was so sure about him, about us 3 (me+my guy+the manboy). I realised I was truly, truly ok being around a man.
Then I woke up and asked myself what was about the manboy, who was short and blonde, but not fragile or delicate. And I realised GRR Martin’s “The Dying of the Light” had gotten in my dream. While the part of my father was brought in by my subconscious.

I now know why my mother was so afraid of men all her life… and she poured that fear inside me.

______________________________________________________________________________________

Yet now we divide our brains and we pretend nothing happened 45 years ago, or 16 years ago. Or never.
Oh, the hypocrisy, the self-telling lies, the cognitive dissonance.
But why did it start?? Why, why, why????
Why do some things start? They might be inherited from an ancestor, but how did the ancestor get to them? Or what? Or does evil really reside in us people? And some curiosities are more evil then others.

_______________________________________________________________________________________

This is another thing that differentiated me as a kid, the interminable “whys”. Getting to the start of everything, and desperately trying to get to the essence, to understand.
And now I see there are things which I DON’T wanna understand, because I do understand them so well.
Never thought I’d say this, but thank God I was born a girl…

_______________________________________________________________________________________

I still wonder about the blonde manboy. That was a familiar face, although I couldn’t find it in the blonde men faces I consciously know. And it definitely was no child of mine.
But… but… that state of trust and power and joy… might I find it with my own baby boy?
Well, yes, I do want a 3rd child. I know it’s against all odds, it’s completely irrational and it’d destroy the remaining pieces of what I have, yet I yearn for it. The 3rd child, that would be for me.
Sanziana
Tudor/David

 

From here.

1. Do I focus on the long term or am I quick to grab the short-term solution when I’m frustrated?
Most of the times I go with the short-term solution when it comes to me. When it comes to children, I don’t give in to sweets temptation (neither as a punishment, nor as a reward).

2. How do I react when things go badly? Do I find it easy or hard to deal with my emotions?
I am overwhelmed and I either shut down or over-react.

3. Do I tend to focus on the worse case scenario? Do I contrast it with the best case or other possible scenarios or do I focus on it alone?
I focus on the worst case, I try to identify immediately what’s the worst that could happen. If I can deal with it, I feel a bit better and start thinking on other scenarios. If I can’t deal with it, I remain stuck.

4. Am I good at initiating action? Or do I tend to procrastinate?
I procrastinate a looooot.

5. How good am I at knowing when my emotions are affecting my thoughts?
When I imagine things, I can stop when the imagination leads me to feel/think unrealistic things about others. Other than that, I’m not good at it.

6. Do I tend to react more to positives or negatives in my life? How strong are my reactions? Am I more likely to act or stay put?
I react to both, usually over-reacting. I rarely act.

7. How often do I second-guess myself?
All the time?

8. Do I seek out support in times of stress or do I go it alone? Is my way of dealing with stress productive or should I find another way to cope?
During stress, I shut down and lose myself in the internet. It’s not productive at all.

9. How good am I at reading situations and what other people are feeling?
I am pretty good at it. I might even be the only one “Reading” and others might not take me seriously.

10. How good am I at identifying my emotions? Can I do so in the moment when my feelings are intense?
I often mistake my feelings/emotions with others or can’t quite point the finger to something. I need some moments of introspection and then I know what I felt – rage, despair and so on, because the emotions still linger.

If I could talk to her, I’d just tell her: YOU are so beautiful! And you don’t need anybody for validation.

It wouldn’t change anything, I know. And I actually can’t change anything. But it’s nice that I believe my past self was, indeed, beautiful. In the midst of pain and despair that she had created, she could still smile through tears and she was beautiful.
Alas, she changed one chocolate box with another, as impossible to reach as the first. And, as tears go in my ears, I know it’s the same and I know it’s different, yet I still need validation. And hugs, many, many hugs, which never come free to me. I always had to earn something. One day, their price might get too big for me to pay. But until that day, nothing’s impossible.
Girl in that mirror of 2008, I wish I’d still know what you did know. Even more than I wish you knew what I know now.
Perhaps-perhaps-perhaps.
It’s not just about getting older…

Lucrurile pentru care merita sa traiesti sunt exact alea pentru care merita sa mori.
Paradoxal, nu?

Stiu ca mi-am spus mai demult ca nu merita sa mori pentru nimic, dar ce naiba, aveam 14 ani… Merita sa mori pentru iubire, pentru o idee, pentru a opri un rau sau pentru a crea un bine mai mare.

_______________

In mintea mea, povestea aia cu dragonii a fost scrisa de mai multe ori. Pe foaie, insa, n-am scris-o deloc.
N-am disciplina. Deloc.
Stiu totusi ceva despre disciplina – nu o poti forta, nu o poti impune. Vine din interior sau nu e deloc.

_______________

Misfit, outcast, different, snake between eagles.
De ce m-am simtit mereu diferita?
Am fost singura fata intre ceilalti copii-baieti, am fost nepoata intre nepoti, am fost copilul dorit baiat care a iesit fata. Am fost fata baietoasa intre fete, am fost fata cu sani mari printre fete cu sani mici, fata sportiva printre floricele.
Am fost copilul care e interesat de toate materiile, copilul care citea mult si des, copilul care pleca mai departe decat altii (chiar si singur), copilul care se voia placut de toata lumea. Am fost copilul care isi dorea sa stie tot si sa aiba toate meseriile din lume. Am fost copilul care a citit Vechiul Testament, cartile de zoologie si agricultura, carti de cosmetica, ingrijirea gospodariei, in timp ce habar n-avea sa mulga o vaca.
Am fost copilul care alerga dupa tranzistoare si rezistente si impedante, pentru ca erau mici si colorate.
Am fost copilul care visa sa puna fludor pe sticla si sa picteze sticla, sau sa creeze arta din obiecte de metal.
Am fost copilul confident-adult, copilul care purta pe umeri vinovatia lumii…
Am devenit adolescenta care isi dorea sa moara si sa se termine odata (ca multi alti adolescenti, de altfel).
Am fost adolescenta care visa sa se imbrace fistichiu in timp ce purta cele mai intunecate si mai conventionale haine.
Am fost adolescenta care purta sacou negru cu adidasi negri. Sau dresuri cu buline negre si bluze de matase.
Am fost adolescenta cu corp fain care-si ura copul si-l ascundea.
Am fost adolescenta care n-a purtat niciodata decolteu, sau fusta mini, sau bluza cu un umar gol, sau haine din care sa mi se vada buricul. Am purtat top cu bretele o singura data (la balul absolvitii clasei a 12-a).
Am fost adolescenta care a descoperit ca-i plac parfumurile. Am fost adolescenta care s-a dus la olimpiada de istorie si a castigat un premiu si s-a simtit impostoare si ca l-a furat cuiva care poate l-ar fi folosit. Am fost adolescenta care a mers la Poli, desi fusese acceptata la o facultate prestigioasa pe uman. Am fost singura dintre colegii mei de liceu care s-a dus la acea facultate.
Am fost tanara care n-avea ce cauta la Poli… Am fost tanara a preferat sa pice examene decat sa aiba 5 in carnet. Am fost tanara care avea note maxime la cele cateva materii de uman dintr-o mare de matematica si electronici.
Am fost cea mai mica intr-o camera de camin in care toata lumea plangea. Am fost singura care juca Starcraft (cu nume de baiat), si singura care nu mai avusese vreun prieten.

Sunt adultul care nu stie sa-si controleze viata, nu-si controleaza copiii (nici nu vad de ce as face-o), adultul care ia decizii, se razgandeste, iar se gandeste si se razgandeste din nou.
Sunt adultul care-si apreciaza mai mult corpul asta gras si cu vergeturi, decat isi aprecia adolescentas trupul ferm si puternic.
Sunt adultul care nu poate spune NU. Sunt adultul care are emotiile unui copil.

Sunt adulta care poate face un super cheesecake si nu stie sa faca o friptura.
Sunt adulta care prefera sa citeasca decat sa faca curat.
Sunt o femeie adulta care nu stie cu ce-i sta in bine.

Sunt adultul care se viseaza copil. Sunt adultul care alearga in parc la Sticluta cu otrava. Sunt adultul care se scalambaie la The book with no Pictures.
Sunt adultul care lucreaza in IT si inventeaza foiletoane cu dragoni si viseaza sa scrie carti.
Sunt adultul care nu stie cine e.

Azi am chef de baut cappuccino, de mancat ciocolata, de scris si de ascultat muzica epica.
Chiar de plimbat prin soare, in timp ce visez la povestea mea cu dragoni.

In loc de asta, voi sta pe scaun, bibilind o chestie de care nu-mi pasa, incercand sa nu ma gandesc la martea care vine si la un posibil atac de panica.

Am si o veste buna privind rezolvarea situatiei mele. Situatia mea: lucrez in IT, in corporatie si ptr o corporatie, desi imi doresc sa fac ceva ptr oameni, ceva care sa conteze si sa-i ajute pe oameni.
Intrucat nu stiu sa fac altceva si nu pot renunta la job sa fac voluntariat (because money!), solutia ar fi sa lucrez in IT pentru o firma care face ceva care sa ajute oamenii (nu alte corporatii).
De ex., sa lucrez ptr Apache, Coursera, LinkedIn, github, CourseCademy, booking.com, w3school. Ptr o companie care ofera gratis niste lucruri utile oamenilor. Apache face Open Office, server Apache, ant si maven.
LinkedIn ii ajuta pe oameni sa schimbe jobul si sa se informeze.
Site-urile cu tutoriale ii ajuta sa invete limbaje de programare sau alte lucruri (pe Coursera sunt f. multe cursuri) care sa le faca viata mai usoara sau sa-i ajute sa castige niste bani.
Si mai sunt si alte firme… as simti ca fac ceva util.
S-au dus vremurile cand testam switchuri folosite de NASA, gandindu-ma ca particip si eu un pic-un pic la explorarea spatiului, avand grija sa aiba cat mai putine buguri switchurile alea…

clubbed to death – Matrix soundtrack
Clint Mansell – Requiem for a dream soundtrack (Lux Aeterna)
Braveheart soundtrack
The Gael – “The Best of Celtic Music”

what else is there?
what is the purpose? why are we here, all of us humans? is this world even true?

how long am i going to lie to myself?
or how long i’m gonna stand myself staying here, knowing very well it’s not my place, it’s not a good place for me… i’m occupying someone else’s place.

where to go? where to run? where to find home? where to find alinare?
i have the power and i am afraid to use it.
i am afraid of what the future might bring.
while this… this is the sound of inevitability.
if i don’t get out of here, i’ll wither in a couple of years.

i hate to be a slow snake on the ground while other fly so fast in the sky.
i hate it. i i i i i am out of ideas.

Once you get here, you keep coming back. It doesn’t go away in 1 day.

Nobody ever asks me what I want. Since I’m here, I probably want all this. Truth is I just wanna crawl in bed and hide under the blanket. Just lay there, at the conscious/inconscious barrier.
Think and cry and stop thinking until I no longer hear my heartbeat. I don’t like hearing it. It makes me too self-conscious of my flesh, of the imminent danger in my mind. Is it normal to perceive your heartbeat so often? I’d like to say it sounds so strong, but nothing strong relates to me these days.
Nonetheless, it’s a panic heartbeat of a human in pain and fear.

I don’t know, is the answer. I don’t know.

Blog Stats

  • 144,422 hits

Archives

July 2015
M T W T F S S
« Jun    
 12345
6789101112
13141516171819
20212223242526
2728293031  
wordpress counter
Follow

Get every new post delivered to your Inbox.

Join 47 other followers