Asta – scrisoare adresata de in doctor fiicei lui legata de viitorul ei sot/barbati
sau
Asta – in contra-raspuns la scrisoarea de mai sus, din partea unui tip cam misogin

Curat TRP. Cumva au si ei dreptatea lor.
Ma simt ca atunci bunica-meu imi spunea niste chestii si nu-l credeam, ca apoi sa ajung acasa si sa vad ca mare parte din ce-mi spusese el e adevarat.
Dar, dar, DAR.

Refuz sa cred sau sa accept ca femeia e o specie inferioara si care trebuie sa stea pe langa in barbat din cauza asta.
“In red pill philosophy a woman should find happiness by pleasing her man.” suna la fel de rau ca si “keeping your wife/girlfriend happy, no matter what, is a man’s job” (acelasi link).
Probabil de-asta nu voi ajunge vreodata vreo TRP wife, indifferent cat de Alpha ar fi masculul de langa mine.
Sau cat de Powerless m-at face sa ma simt.
Da, mi-at placea foarte mult sa-mi pot capul pe un umar puternic si sa simt 2 secunde ca acolo e bine, ca nu mai tin greutatea atator lucruri. Fara sa mi le resolve, ca le pot rezolva si eu. Doar sa ma lase sa stau acolo, sa accepte, ba nu. SA VREA sa stau acolo si sa imi dau voie 2 secunde sa ma simt vulnerabila.
Si altadata (sau chiar atunci), sa nu-I fie teama sa-si arate vulnerabilitatea fata de mine.

S-a intors.
Furia. Furia aia pe care o credeam partial dusa, sau macar ingropata, e inapoi.
Furie si tristate, multa furie si multa tristate.
Furie impotriva mea, impotriva sortie, impotriva lumii, impotriva mea.
Tristete, ca sunt aici, nu-mi place aici, e bine ca sunt aici si vreau sa nu mai fiu aici.

Impostor. Am luat locul cuiva sa ajung aici. Nu, nu am facut asta. Sau am facut-o, castigand concursurile si luand note mai mari ca altii. Sau facandu-ma placuta mai mult decat altii.

________________________________

Ce incerc sa-mi dovedesc? Ca nu vei pleca? Ca vei pleca? Ca nu sunt in stare? Ca voi pleca? Ca nu voi pleca indifferent de ce se intampla?

Vorbesc prea mult. Si acum nu mai e Parintele din capul meu, ci Copilul rebel, care s-a manifestat prea putin de-a lungul vietii.

________________________________

Sa o numim criza existentiala si sa o lasam asa. Vine si trece, important e ce invat din ea. Si unde o sa ajung dupa ce se termina.
Carla’s Dreams – Unde

Pana si Iisus Hristos a avut o criza la 33 de ani. Mai grava.

La ce mi-a folosit sa citesc atatea carti, sa depozitez atatea cunostinte? Acum exista smartphone si Wikipedia, totul e la 2 clickuri distanta.
Am vazut cartile alea cu ochi de copil, prea multa teorie si prea putina practica, prea multe povesti de adulti pentru mintea mea frageda, s-au distorsionat groaznic.
Iar povestile adultilor din jur, cele adevarate, au fost si mai confuzante. Si asa au ramas si dupa ce am vazut cat de copii erau adultii astia.

Sunt foarte incoerenta, stiu.
Ma simt de parca as scoate cuvintele/emotiile/lacrimile pe care nu le-am scos tot anul. In 2016 am avut mai putine postari ca in oricare alt an, recuperez acum.
Nici ca-mi pasa ca sunt incoerenta. Am nevoie de haos pentru a ma ordona. ASTA e firea mea. Degeaba o reneg. Degeaba incerc sa fac ordine ascuzandu-ma de parca as impinge gunoiul sub pres. Nu vreau sa fac asta.

Da, multe lucruri nu merg in viata mea si e ok ca nu merg. Am ignorat treaba asta si e cazul sa nu mai ignor si sa fac cate ceva.
Ca o fata cuminte. Sau nu.

Unele lucruri nu se pot schimba pentru ca au fost mereu asa, doar am ales eu sa le vad altfel.

 

______________

It scares me to see that my perception has changed so much.

I remembered Placebo’s Song to say Goodbye differently. How can I trust myself, how can I trust my past if the things that touched me so much are so much different than how I remember them? It’s like the basics, the foundation of my personality has definitely changed. And this is so… scary.

Battle of the Sun is never over.

 

I am a good human. I would have never become a second dr. Mengele.
Never doubt this – I am a good human. Good humans can make bad things, too.
So what was all that suffering for? I used to think it was for making me more empathic towards people, to make me understand them better.
But it seems it was all in vain. It had no purpose, I was the wrong person at the wrong time.

I don’t wanna live with the guilt anymore. It annoys me to discover the guilt, the shame, the pain are still there, big and strong. Guilt for being born. Guilt and shame for being born like this. Would my mother really have abandoned me if I were less than a perfectly healthy baby? I was already less than perfect being born a girl. I had to prove her I was worthy from my first hours of life. And I was worthy of life. I sucked her milk when she took me out of the incubator, proving I was healthy, worthy, that she could take me home. But what if I hadn’t done it? If I slept instead of sucking? Would she have abandoned me in that place? Would she really have given up on me? After 2 years of trying to conceive…

My brother didn’t suck at all, he’d rather sleep. But he didn’t have to prove anything. He was born a boy. And no doctor decided he should stay in an incubator.

_________________________________________

Esti in om bun.
Esti in team-player.
Contezi.
Ai cea mai mare experienta in ce faci.

Si ce? la ce conteaza ca sunt team-player, daca joc singura si acasa, si in deplasare?
Daca numai mie imi pasa, sau numai mie pare ca-mi pasa? Daca nu pot sa trec de zidurile comunicarii?
Daca mereu e vina mea, ca nu merg NICIODATA pana la capat, ca n-am suficienta incredere, ca nu incerc sufficient, ca nu sunt sufficient de … de buna, de rabdatoare, de comunicativa, de muncitoare, de atenta, de sociabila?

Niciodata nu e sufficient ce fac. Niciodata nu dau sufficient incat sa MERIT cu adevarat.

_________________________________________

Si e prea tarziu sa o iau de la capat. Nu pot sterge cu buretele. Situatia e asa, nu altfel.
Daca si parca, si daca e inexistent.
O fi prea tarziu pentru altii, dar pentru mine, NU E. Refuz sa-mi petrec restul vietii dictat de altii.
Refuz sa duc viata parintilor mei.

Voi gasi pe cineva ca mine, imperfect. Cineva care sa-mi spuna ca ma iubeste daca chiar asa simte, cineva care sa se poarte afectuos si tandru.
Cineva care sa-mi spuna ca admira cate ceva la mine, sau ii place ceva la mine, sau ca sunt speciala. Cineva care sa ma vada frumoasa macar in anumite momente.
Cineva care sa vrea sa fie cu mine cu adevarat, nu doar pentru ca soarta ne-a adus impreuna cu niste ani inainte.
Si cand voi gasi persoana asta, o voi strange in brate, fara sa cer voie. Pentru ca nu va fi nevoie.
Ma voi privi in oglinda si-mi voi spune “Te iubesc, te accept asa cum esti. Meriti. Esti in om bun care alege uneori sa faca lucruri rele. Esti in om interesant. Ai puterea sa faci ce iti doresti. Urmeaza-ti visele, te voi sprijini”.

Drumul asta e greu si sinuos, si la capatul lui ma asteapta… eu insami.

Rag’n’Bone Man – Human
Carla’s Dreams – Triunghiuri

Diferenta acum fata de alte dati e ca simt in mine o putere. Si nu ma mai indoiesc – daca azi am putere, maine n-o sa am. Daca azi vreau ceva de la viata, maine se va schimba. NU, nu mai sunt in puterea altora si nu ma mai misc dupa cum bate vantul.
Ceea ce imi doresc vine la mine – cand am nevoie de asta.

Ma lupt cu mine sa nu mai regret ce a fost – sa accept complet ce a fost si ce este. ACCEPT CE ESTE. ACCEPT CUM SUNT.
Altfel nu am sanse sa schimb viitorul.

for (i=0; i<n; i++)
for (j=i; ja[j]
{ aux=a[i];
a[i]=a[j];
a[j]=aux;
};

Idfc. But I DO fucking care. I still care.
I will care until my last breath.

Maybe things do not touch me as they used to, but I’m not dead inside yet. I’m just more selective and less impressionable.
Maybe not a dragon, but at least an owl. Picture from here.

albino-screech-owl

Ca melodia asta de la Carla’s Dreams.

“Nu poti schimba pe cineva daca o faci doar pentru tine”.

Am devenit femeie… un pic cam tarziu. Un pic cam tarziu pentru a gusta din toate placerile vietii de femeie.
Sa iti arati vulnerabilitatea din ipostaza de femeie. Femeie = slaba, vulnerabila, gata sa fie atacata, incapabila sa aiba grija de ea (desi capabila sa aiba grija de altii). Careia nu i se cunoaste sau recunoaste valoare. Femeie = taken for granted.
Femeie = care nu simte dorinta in afara iubirii, care nu simte atractie sexuala in afara cuplului, care nu fetisizeaza parti ale corpului masculine precum fac barbatii cu corpul femeii. Femeie = care e romantica, tandra, iubitoare, calda, iertatoare, puternica si subtire si mladioasa ca otelul, cu aparenta catifelei.

De unde pisici am imaginea asta a femeii? Am inzestrat-o cumva cu trasaturi opuse mie? Eu sunt in stare sa ma topesc de la niste inflexiuni aparte ale vocii, sa ma extaziez la niste sani draguti (masculini!) sau sa ma inmoi la vederea unor antebrate bine facute.
Eu, care nu sunt in stare sa fiu tacuta, linistita, concentrate, sa-mi port vulnerabilitatea ca pe o armura.

Atataea lucruri care incep cu D:
depresie
dorinta
dor
dans
destrabalare
deprimare
distrugere
datorie
degenerare
durere
desfasurare
deturnare
durabilitate
dragoste
divinitate
Dumnezeu
devenire

Vazut Sen to Chihiro. Nu-mi pot aminti de ce m-a atins atata filmul asta. E in continuare frumos, insa emotiile….
Acum stiu ca fiecare e responsabil pentru emotiile lui. Si pentru alegerile lui.

Vazut Spring, Summer, Autumn, Winter and Spring again (Kim-Ki Duk). Aparte. Nu stiu daca o sa veau sa-l mai vad vreodata.
Cel mai mult m-a atins femeia care si-a adus copilul.

Sunt recunoscatoare ca am ajuns aici. Fata de toate femeile din neam, sunt in cea mai buna pozitie.
Dar nu imi place ca am ajuns aici. Nu vreau sa raman aici, nu vreau sa raman asa.
E numai in puterea mea sa schimb asta.
E nevoie sa ma conving pe mine insami ca am puterea asta, ca doar eu am puterea sa fac ceva.
Sa pierd in greutate, sa invat si sa fac una-alta, sa ma port mai ca o femeie, cu tot ce implica asta.
Sa ma desfasor. Sa arat, sa nu arat.

Oasis – Wonderwall
Hurts – Wonderful life

and why not? The Weeknd – Starboy, The Hills and Blackbear – Idfc (Taroo remix)

Go have fun yourself.

Another glorious day in which to modify the code.
While the sky is blue and the sun is pretty and I’m listening to Röyksopp – Something In My Heart (feat. Jamie Irrepressible), while looking for vaults.
Medieval vaults. Rome Pantheon vaults. Hotel de Cluny vaults. Persian vaults.

So no, I am not happy. It’s in my nature to want it all. Or at least, want to live with passion and intensity.
Which I don’t get from looking at the code.
Travelling, seeing new places, getting a glimpse of other people’s lives and cultures – I like that. I like beauty – nature’s beauty, art, beauty of written words, the wonder and the worlds created in my mind by words, beauty of a statue rock lines, the emotions stirred by music. The times brought back by a different architecture.

 

 

vaults_hotel_de_cluny-chapelle-4

I feel like those times are lost on me, so lost. So Fleurie – Hurts Like Hell.
For everything that I loved and lost and it still hurts.

“Dreams fight with machines”.

Now that one thing is somewhat solved (I’ve became a woman), the rest of unsolved things will come up. The lost dreams of what I wanted to become when I grew up.
Ben Cocks – So Cold.

Leaving aside I don’t know what to do about that, I feel as if I’d betray my entire family if I switched domains. On the other hand… I’ve betrayed myself so many times for them. Oh mother, why am I still a child in front of you?

 

Fleurie – Hurts Like Hell ( With Lyrics )

I don’t want them to know the secrets
I don’t want them to know the way I loved you
I don’t think they’d understand it, no
I don’t think they would accept me, no

I loved and I loved and I lost you
I loved and I loved and I lost you
I loved and I loved and I lost you
And it hurts like hell
Yeah it hurts like hell

Dreams fight with machines
Inside my head like adversaries
Come wrestle me free
Clean from the war

Your heart fits like a key
Into the lock on the wall
I turn it over, I turn it over
But I can’t escape
I turn it over, I turn it over

Nu mai vreau sa mor cu iubirea in mana.

1st day of new things for my big little one.

In the meanwhile, I keep listening to teenage music.
Like Skylar Grey – I Know You or Fleurie – Hurts Like Hell .
It’s still funny to think of lifetime love, as in 50 shades of Grey.
It’s more about trust than the power of love. Trust is my Achilles’ heel.
Back to 1st day, we shall just trust her and hope everything will be fine. And if it won’t, we’ll do something to make it better.

need to retire, if even for one day.
leave social interactions for others and just slide… in the mud of the mind, the blacks of the soul, rest there for a while.

who is this creature, so emotional, so unstable, so openly insecure, is it really me?
or am i the creature from my mind, sharp and cool-headed and resistant?

or am i none.

30sh midlife crisis

again Rob D – Clubbed to Death saves the day.

i am fat
and getting older
and the days are very similar to the days before them
and the nights are either full of sleep or partly

and yes, the regret of things not done. just a hint of regret, just a touch, because, knowing myself, things couldn’t have been in another way.
but still. some regret.
and the mental blockage. of developing. of attacking. of letting go. of taking decisions for me, not others.

Rob Dougan – Furious Angels

i am a plutonian. and also solarian. and lunatic. and mercurian. and whatever i am.
i am not happy with myself and dunno what to do about it.

the other day, was telling d. about the feeling that something is missing. what is missing? dunno, but it is.

Tales of Xillia 2 – Opening Theme [HD]

Grimes – Flesh without Blood/Life in the Vivid Dream

Imagination takes me places. In my mind, I create movies where everything is decided by me (the script, the cast, the direction, the environment).
People behave how I want them to. Things go the way I want to.
____________________

Bonded with people. Discovered new people. And mainly, me.

How I keep people at a distance. Someone once came in, and I took him out.

But why let them in?

I am a deceiver in plain sight. I play the open and honest card, while creating new and new layers to hide myself better. I am good at collecting information and wrapping the target in its own thoughts, to keep it even farther from myself. I never strike, the target will come to me alone. It’s not even a conscious process. And I don’t know why I do it.
And now I am stopping it. Some people are fascinating, have a really interesting mind, but this can so easily be misinterpreted.

Goodbye and fuck you, person. Glad I didn’t lose anything on you.
LP – Lost On You [Official Video]

Daughter – Youth

_____________________

The smoke was not as white as I had imagined,
It scratched the back of my neck
And blood pumped furious to my head as I was kneeling down.
Then dizziness came upon me and stopped in 5 seconds.
And that was all? I asked curiously,
I was expecting laughter and amnesia,
I was expecting no moves and lots of fun,
And it was fun, but not because of that.
Thank you, dear friend,
For making a dream come true!

Dua Lipa – Be the one

Obsessive summer just started.

In each of the latest dreams, I cried. For various reasons. Out of powerlessness, out of the feeling of something being lost. I dreamed a big scorpion, almost as long as my arm, it was trying to kill a smaller scorpion. I was afraid of it. Premonition or just fear?
There’s a powerful need to sleep, more and more – at least in the morning and during the day. And stay awake in the night.
Pluto is strong in my theme – 50 points, it’s the ruler. Trine with Lilith, quadrat ASC. And now transit Pluto is on my DSC. Interesting times, indeed. Still curious on the Plutonian. Might very well be me.

AMV – Pandora – Bestamvsofalltime Anime MV ♫ (Blue Foundation – Bonfires lyrics)

I saw her last night. Her hair was longer and she had little wrinkles near the eyes. The same smile, the same symmetry in her face, same gracious moves. Same practical mind and down-to-earth attitude. How could you have not fallen in love with her? Was she happy now? I don’t know. I don’t envy her. Although she’s slim, she lives in the region where I’ve always wished I’d live, she childless. But I don’t envy her.
Even the guy that has traveled a lot – I don’t envy him anymore. My mind has been in a lot of places already.

Skunk Anansie – Weak. GO to sleep, girl.

The truth is I am expecting you to come, retrograde Mars or not.
I didn’t like your values. I didn’t like your core. I was afraid to become submissive, afraid of all the power struggles I’d eventually lose.
And yes, I liked her more than I liked you. One of the occasions when the girl was preferred.
I wanted to protect you and myself and her. I only walked away with people whose hearts I could have broken – and I did. Yours was a nut too hard to crack.
And you were right. I was not a female, not a woman. You saw it clear, but still wanted to play. I knew it, but still wanted to make you bleed.
I have succeeded – a victory that was worse than the failure, because, while it (hopefully) scratched your heart (no, I’m not that confident about a scar), it caused us lots of pain. And you have scarred other people bearing my name.

London Calling – Wasting my young years

Beware, young one. For I myself am SHIVA, too. Even now, as a woman. Not Shakti, nor Parvati.
“At the highest level, Shiva is regarded as limitless, transcendent, unchanging and formless.”

By this definition, Shiva resembles Neptune, the God of the Seas.
(every time I lay hands on astrology, something new keeps appearing; this time, it was the Vertex; and the newly discovered ruler of my chart, which is Neptune, along with Moon and Pluto – what a watery scheme).

Scorpio, Pluto, Neptune. There we go.
_______________

You other human… you mesmerized me in 3 weeks, poured some magical poison in my veins and here’s what happened.
I actually don’t know what happened, I can’t remember, but it surely was a beautiful dream.
The dream is no longer there, yet it’s not a nightmare yet. Yet. Sure hope it won’t turn into a real nightmare.

Lana del Rey – Great Gatsby soundtrack – Young and Beautiful

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