Vis cu D si D care erau dentisti si se uitau in gura mea :P (funny, nici macar nu ma duc la dentisti barbati, dar numai de-astia visez)

Vis cu rechin (peste ferestrau)
Sunt intr-o incapere cu mai multi colegi si un rechin rotunjor de 1 m, cu botul lung, ne alearga sa ne muste (da, pluteste prin aer si e rapid). Toti incercam sa scapam de el, mi-e frica, dar nu paralizant. Ceilalti alearga si ma gandesc sa scap de rechin, il insfac si-l duc spre cuptorul incins, il dau cu capul de cuptor si gura larg deschisa cu sinti ascutiti prinde gratarul cuptorului. Il tin acolo pana moare
In scena urmatoare, o incapere in penumbra, capul rechinului pe un piedestal. Discut cu o colega, rechinul era ceva cunoscut in familia ei (?). Ma uit la capul rechinului si mi se face groaznic de frica. Apoi ma intreb daca sa ma rog la Dzeu ca am omorat o creatura, apoi ma gandesc ca rechinul e un pradator cu sange rece, apoi ma gandesc ca asa e el facut (“nothing personal”)… si ma trezesc.
[e un pacat ca l-am omorat? ma aflam in pericol direct, totusi nu incepuse sa ma atace, dar l-am omorat…]

Vis cu serpoaica roz, rozalie – alerg in casa s-o caut, gasesc un cablu si cred ca e serpoaica, dar nu e,¬†si plang de ciuda si disperare. Serpopaica apare si-mi zice “credeai ca ai scapat de mine?” (ceva in genul asta, sau/si de tradare), o secunda mi-e teama ca ma va musca cu gura ei deschisa si cu dinti; ea se arunca si se incolaceste in jurul umerilor mei, imbratinsadu-ma puternic si iubitor cum face M. Si ma simt fericita ca e acolo, ca n-a plecat; imi vine in minte semnificatia (ciudat cum mintea mea aluneca din subconstient in constient), si ma intreb daca serpoaica nu e cumva partea mea, cealalta EU din oglinda, si in sfarsit ne intalnim sa traim una in alta.
Fast-forward in vis, alerg pe asfalt spre mai multi copii (eu fiind cam tot copil), ma impiedic si cad, ma ridic si ma uit in jos – am in picioare pantofii maro ai lui D, un pic uzati, in rest sunt in stare foarte buna.

Try walking in my shoes in alta forma :P

it annoys me when i wanna go deeper and i cannot.

knowing just tiny pieces of people annoyes me. who are they, how did they get here, how are they like underneath their masks.
maybe there’s nothing there, just as the Sphinx without a secret.
yet, as seen last night, even open and out-going are more than it meets the eye.

so, yesterday’s night was my first Passover ever. and probably the last one, as well, as i don’t know any Jewish person that would invite me.
i’m curious about the Jewish traditions and Jewish people, i’d like to meet more of them, from a friend perspective.

back to people and the little time to know each other. actually, not each other – i wanna them, i still don’t want them to know me. yet i give a lot of details about me (yeah, the old trade – i’ll tell you something about me, you tell me something of you, too).

still it’s weird – passing a lot of time with some people and you don”t get to know them.
you pass a lot of time at work and fewer time with family.
i’m used to gather, collect people, experiences, travelling, books, perfumes, emotions.
so i am a collector? hmmmmmmmmm, i guess that’s why i took the man’s side first time i read John Fowles’ The Collector.
having someone in your basement because you’re obsessed with her didn’t seem such a bad idea in my twisted love-hate world.
than i grew up and learnt about freedom and diversity of expression. so i know better now…

 

well, it was nice staying here for 2 weeks, now i will go back to my deeper side :)
as for the rest, que sera, sera.
i CAN make my plans and work them out. Scorpio, Cancer, Leo, Virgo.

Trey Song – Nana

 

it’s funny to write about the sea while listening to a song called “Desert Rose” (Sting).
the sea, the ocean… the desert.
the restless sea is actually a part of the Pacific ocean, and I was blessed to see it. to hear it and smell it, and feel it, admire the ever-changing colours and play with the waves… it was just me, the ocean, the sky, the win, i was. I. fading in the deepness around me.

if i were a writer and had money, i’d live there, on the 17 mile coast. or in Tuscany, but that’s another story.
i love the sea, i love water and i can’t understand why i only get once a year to the seaside.
i like watching it more than i like getting in the water. watching it, smelling it, feeling the wind blow my hair…

the ocean colour matches some people’s eyes. beautiful.

Life resolution: look more people in the eyes. More and for a longer time.
there are so many people, so many places and so many things to discover.
so many books to read, so many things to see and hear and smell and taste…

i love US for this abundence of possibilities, for this diversity of people, for this meeting of cultures and foods and customs.
they’re all Americans, although that’s one of the rarest things here: finding an US-born person.
but when you do find one… :)

Close your eyes
Just feel and realize
It is real and not a dream
I’m in you and you’re in me
It is time
To break the chains of life
If you follow you will see
What’s beyond reality

Enigma – Beyond the invisible

i don’t wanna go to sleep.

Janet Jackson – Everytime

Scorpio pictures

NY 2008
SF
Carmel
Gilroy

Irina mica
Miruna bebelusa
Eu super slaba
Poze pre- orice
VMAP si VPolicy
cursa dupa buguri
testplane, testcase-uri
responsabilitatie inlocuite unele cu altele

Robbie Williams – The Road to Mandalay

Everything we’ve ever stolen
Has been lost returned or broken
No more dragons left to slay
Every mistake I’ve ever made
Has been rehashed and then replayed
As I got lost along the way

E ciudat sa
Ma vad asa
Prin ochii altora
De aproape, paream femeie
Chiar feminina,
Chiar si la fata.
Chiar eram.

E ciudat sa
Privesc pozele ca si cum
Nu ar fi existat ce
A existat.
Obsesia mea,
Ingaduinta ta.
Obsesia mea s-a stins.
Si e bine.

E ciudat ca
Sa privesc oasele dilatandu-se,
Ochii schimband culoarea,
Obrajorii retragandu-se.
Am vazut zi de zi si
Nu am observat,
Dar in poza de acum 1 an
Se vede cat de mult
Ati crescut
V-ati schimbat
Ati avansat.

Revenind la mine,
As vrea sa fi aparut mai des in poze.
In sfarsit, mi-am indeplinit profetia.
Sunt mare. Sunt grasa. Sunt feminina.
Si tot mica si urata ma simt.
In loc sa fiu femeie,
Ma traiesc copil.
In loc sa fiu 100% mama,
Ma intrec in plansete.
Jenant si ridicol si umilitor
Si cui ii pasa de etichete?
Sa ne tavalim pe jos, zic
Prea am stat sobra si serioasa
Si-am ramas asa: cam defectuoasa.
Ma fixez eu cumva,
Cu o surubelnita,
Sau cu auto-iubirea
Si disciplina
Si comunicarea.
Pe care le invat de la voi, adevaratii copii.

P.S. poate criza asta e doar ne-acceptarea varstei. Si batalia finala pentru apartenenta la gen si sex.
Alt P.S. nici macar deprimant.

/(?[a-zA-Z0-9+\/=]{24})/

f[!@#$%^&*]{4}

 

Beyonce – Crazy in love (remix for 50 shades of Grey)

(nu stiu cum e videoclipul, posibil sa fie NSFW).

Hoping to recover sleep, libido and trust in the future.
And even find purpose in life.

 

 

Last Thursday was the most terrifying Thursday ever.
I could understand why panic attacks were so scary for other people.

Now I’m calmer. Panic attacks help me reduce the pressure. On the other hand, I never had one like that. When you literally cannot breathe. So f%^& this, I’m NEVER getting in that phase again!

P.S. holding something in my hand helped and repeating “Nothing’s as bad as it seems”. Gotta have a self-defense mantra, something more developed.

Linkin Park – Burn it down

I am not a victim. And I am OK.
I have a power and I should not be afraid to show it.
I should not be afraid to show that I have a power.
I have the power to choose.
I can choose if I stay or if I go.

That being said, multe urari de bine si morti si raniti.

Things I have to learn:
– tolerance to frustration
– ways in which to relax my body
(so as to stop waking up at night because of the tension)
– some Java
– Relax, De-stress, RELAX
– enjoy the good things in life
– live with the dissonance between my values and my everyday life
– and some day (WHEN?), start living only by my own values

Adica la naiba cu viata de corporatrist! Candva…

 

I choose to believe in the goodness of people. In the kindness of people. And forgive their little mistakes. Yep, I’m hoping they’d forgive mine, too, but not only that.
There’s a place under the sun for everybody :)

 

I choose not be a victim anymore. To stop thinking like a victim. To stop believing I have no power and that I can’t influence the results.

I chose to leave the old project. I decided to leave the company. I decided I wouldn’t spend a lot of time in the new company. And I decided to return.
I chose to go to IT. I decided to finish that school and graduate in time.

I decided to have the kid and it was the best decision ever. And I knew they would both be girls!
I decided to get married and I have been married for almost 5 years. Still surviving.
(by the way, my parents had divorced and then gotten married again by the time they were 29).

I decided to go to Therapy and am still going.

I guess I even decided to be born a girl, so that my parents would have a second try for a boy, and my brother came up. So he owes me big time!
I decided I’m not a lesbian. Not even bisexual.

I am NOT a victim.
I am the result of the decisions I took over time. Some were stupid, some were painful. There is a lesson I gotta learn.

Take the responsability – You’re not a victim – You’re no to blame – You have the power

Robbie Williams – No regrets

 

P.S. I know I wouldn’t have gotten¬†here without my kids and friends . So lots of love to you!

Dreams are open doors of the soul. Nightmares have a purpose :)

What are my demons? Saturn left Scorpio, leaving me tormented.

5 years I was a hard working person, appreciated by peers and bosses. Then I had kids and stayed at home. I used that time for some courses and for taking my certification.
After I returned, everything was different, The people, the company, the projects. And my motivation. I still liked what I did, though it was difficult with so many stupid rules and so many products. And then the announcement came: some people needed to go. I felt my position was insecure, so I left with some mates for another project.
Things were really new – a different side of IT, the way to do things, the work methodology. The manager appreciated me, but my team-leader did not. The project itself was frustrating and didn’t seem to have any future. So I left after half an year to another company, hoping to do something more familiar. It wasn’t the case. Although the working environment was really nice and the coleagues were ok, I didn’t feel I belonged there. The first 2 weeks I had several panic attacks… daily. It was painful to leave the familiar places and the familiar people.
It was really hard to leave the company in which I had been working for so many years, but it was a good thing than deciding to switch companies and projects, I learnt there was still life after my old project.
At this new company, things weren’t going very well. Teeth became my biggest health problem. Somehow, I solved teeth and the rest.
And then I was fired, the company had financial problems, so they let go a lot of people.
It was mid December when it happened. I was shocked, but considered it to be the best things that happened to me in 2014.
Yes, it was a good thing that I had been fired, otherwise I don’t know if I would’ve left.

After the Holidays, there came interviews. First offer came from the old company, for a brand new project that promised to use my networking knowledge. I discussed with several companies, yet that project seemed really appealing. So I signed the contract and started work.
That was a very stressful period, with 2-3 interviews per day, and a lot of psychological stress – my parents and in-laws didn’t know I was jobless, I tried to keep appearances. Each interview was like an exam. It was painful and fearful to discover that my knowledge was not enough, my soft skills weren’t very good, and what I had been happily doing for some years is no longer of interest. I was frightened about the money, being used with some financial independece; with my relatioves’reaction if I were to stay at home longer. I didn’t feel a good mother at all, and I know I’m not a good house keeper.
I was really tormented in that period… felt like a failure, and this goes on.
For this new job is so much different than what it seemed. The daily meetings put a huge pressure on my shoulders- I’m supposed to show what I’ve worked, or watch a presentation and then remember 30-45 minutes of data. I get home very late and my kids are not happy, so they put up tantrums or they wake up screaming in the middle of the night. I’m not happy either, it’s depressing to see everybody leaving office while I’m still trying stuff and sending mails.
And the work… it’s like nobody read my CV before hiring me. It felt more like a developer’s job in the beginning. I’ve running all my life from programming and it caught me eventually. Well, I’d rather learn Chinese, the Mandarin seems more tangible.

So, I’m doing something I don’t know and which I don’t like, and the money isn’t great either. I leave home at 8 and get back at 20:30. How the hell am I gonna find motivation for this?
I’m 32 and don’t know anything else that would bring me money. I’d start on learning Montessori for 0-3 years, but I lack the time and money. And I have a family to take care of.

I wanna run away from the IT world, from the corporations. I don’t wanna work in a corporation anymore. Learn and learn and learn and still get nowhere.
Stay at least 8 hours on a chair, while my body screams: Get up! Write mails and reports, have the meetings, feel so stupid and embarassed in front of younger coleagues who “know it”. Why don’t I know it? It’s not that I’ve been lazy, I just know different stuff. In 2-3 years, we’ll all have to learn something else. And so on.
But I want real things, things that won’t change just because someone moved an X to the center of a page.
I want people, not computers. Real, not abstract.

So how do I get over this dichotomy? Or just over feeling and being a failure? I’ve got an age, and a family, and I’m as if I had left college yesterday. Not knowing, not understanding. And not wanting it.
I have taken a wrong decision when picking the college, it seemed the right decision back then. Actually, it was the only decision. But what do I do NOW?

What do I do now… I feel I definitely need a vacation, a psychological one…

Sarah McClane – Gloomy SUNday

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