The truth is I am expecting you to come, retrograde Mars or not.
I didn’t like your values. I didn’t like your core. I was afraid to become submissive, afraid of all the power struggles I’d eventually lose.
And yes, I liked her more than I liked you. One of the occasions when the girl was preferred.
I wanted to protect you and myself and her. I only walked away with people whose hearts I could have broken – and I did. Yours was a nut too hard to crack.
And you were right. I was not a female, not a woman. You saw it clear, but still wanted to play. I knew it, but still wanted to make you bleed.
I have succeeded – a victory that was worse than the failure, because it (hopefully) scratched your heart (no, I’m not that confident about a scar). And you have scarred other people bearing my name.

London Calling – Wasting my young years

Beware, young one. For I myself am SHIVA, too. Even now, as a woman. Not Shakti, nor Parvati.
“At the highest level, Shiva is regarded as limitless, transcendent, unchanging and formless.”

By this definition, Shiva resembles Neptune, the God of the Seas.
(every time I lay hands on astrology, something new keeps appearing; this time, it was the Vertex; and the newly discovered ruler of my chart, which is Neptune, along with Moon and Pluto – what a watery scheme).

Scorpio, Pluto, Neptune. There we go.
_______________

You other human… you mesmerized me in 3 weeks, poured some magical poison in my veins and here’s what happened.
I actually don’t know what happened, I can’t remember, but it surely was a beautiful dream.
The dream is no longer there, yet it’s not a nightmare yet. Yet. Sure hope it won’t turn into a real nightmare.

Lana del Rey – Great Gatsby soundtrack – Young and Beautiful

I am who I am
And sometimes, even I am surprised of myself.
My mind does not accept the crazy times are gone.
My body does not forget the glory and the pain of electric butterflies
And my heart is still a restless hunter.

And above all, is the knowledge. I am a woman, I am a mother and I have power over my thoughts, over my body and over my heart.

Will you still love me
When I’m no longer young and beautiful?
Will you still love me
When I’ve got nothing but my aching soul?

The answer is YES, I will still love myself, when older and less and less beautiful.
In the meanwhile, just TRY. TRY. TRY.

In the back of the mind, these happenings will crystalize into memories and material for new experiences. Or books. GRRM wasn’t successful when he was young, either. But he did write and he did try.

You have such a pretty face,
Oh, isn’t it such a pity
That nobody has touched it?
You have such nice hair,
Oh, isn’t it such a pity
That nobody has touched it?
You have such a clean heart,
Oh, isn’t it such a pity
That nobody has touched it?
The hell with you:)

_____________________________________________

Interesting article.

Problema din sufletul meu nu e ca imi pasa prea mult, ci dimpotriva. I am vain. Mijlocul inimii mele e gol. Imi pasa prea putin. De oameni, de relatii, de mine. De-asta nu reusesc sa tin relatii cu oamenii. La un moment dat, se satura si pleaca. Exact lucrul de care ma temeam, dar cu care nu m-am luptat. Nu am dat vreun semn, nici macar din politete, nu am returnat daruri, bunavointa. Am luat si am luat. Am pus in golul din inima, gandindu-ma cu umilinta si modestie ca oamenii sunt buni cu mine si ca vor intelege, ma vor intelege ca intarzii constant, ca nu tin seama de ei, nu intretin relatia. Pana cand sa poata duce ei singuri?

Ipocrizie, asa se numeste atitudinea mea.

Zambesc, in ciuda celor scrise. Pentru ca, desi suna urat sa recunosc ca ma comport ipocrit si superficial si neatent, macar am vazut asta. Recunosc lucrurile astea. Ca sunt superficiala, usurateca si nestatornica. E prima sansa spre indreptare, spre schimbare. Nu bagatul prafului sub presul cu “sunt fata buna, am suflet bun, intentii bune”.
Ce voi face cu descoperirea ramane de vazut…

Welcome to the real world, vain Alexandra!

Asta e adevaratul putregai al sufletului tau. Ca iti pasa prea putin. Ca iei si iei si nu dai.
Asta e una din mostenirile mele, preluata de la piatra cea gri care era entitatea bunicului meu. Mi-ai facut un dar atunci cand te-am luat in brate. Indiferent unde ai vrut sa ma duci. In locul unde nu pot privi si de unde nu ma pot intoarce? Cumva era si un drum spre adancul fiintei mele. Poate chiar exista un loc in adancul femeilor, in care ele nu pot privi singure. Si e nevoie de un Kwisatz Haderach care sa poata face asta.

Iti multumesc, lume! Pentru ca existi. Pentru ca exist. Pentru ca traim.
M-am nascut sa invat. M-am nascut sa gresesc, sa cad, sa ma ranesc, sa trec mai departe. M-am nascut sa inteleg, sa simt, sa gandesc, sa evoluez.
E imposibil sa evoluezi fara sa te schimbi, fara sa faci greseli din care sa inveti. Vezi ce e lumina cand apare si intunericul.

Pentru ca lumina e mana stanga a intunericului
Si intunericul e mana dreapta a luminii
Iar in mijloc sunt Eu, omul.

Pentru asta ne-a facut Dumnezeu. Sa ne implinim spiritul (avansand spre ingeri), fara a uita de partea materiala, concreta. Adevarata, precum copacii, precum un fluture, precum blana unei pisici. Intre inger si demon, intre cer si pamant, intre spiritual si carnal, acolo e omul.

Si tanjesc ca tot ceea ce e omenesc sa-mi fie cunoscut.

P.S. dap, dupa 2 beri:) M83 – Oblivion si nu numai. Iar tu, Pluto, vino spre Descendent. Ma voi descurca. One way or another. Now Drive!
Ce ti-e scris, in frunte ti-e pus uneori. Intuitia. S-o folosesc.
Vremea de afara, vantoasa, imi aminteste de “Solaris” al lui Tarkovski. Ce ar crea planeta aceea gigantica pentru mine? Ce iubesc cel mai mult? Ce ma sperie cel mai mult? Ce ar fi cel mai interesant pentru o asemenea entitate? In continuare…

I must not fear.
Fear is the mind-killer.
Fear is the little-death that brings total obliteration.
I will face my fear.
I will permit it to pass over me and through me.
And when it has gone past I will turn the inner eye to see its path.
Where the fear has gone there will be nothing. Only I will remain.

Multe drafturi peste care nu ma voi mai uita vreodata.
Multe melodii pe care nu stiu daca le voi mai asculta vreodata.
Multe mirosuri pe care nu le voi mai simti vreodata (pentru ca mi s-a atrofiat mirosul).
Multe carti pe care nu le voi mai citi vreodata, pentru ca le-am uitat titlul sau autorul.
Multe locuri in care nu voi mai ajunge vreodata pentru ca li s-a dus vremea.0
Multi oameni pe care nu-i voi mai vedea vreodata si probabil e mai bine asa.

Multi oameni lasa in spate, in trecut ceea ce a fost. Ei privesc in prezent si in viitor.
Eu sunt sucita, si melancolica, si nostalgica. Si ce daca? Nu e nevoie sa fim toti la fel.
Diversitatea e buna. Diversitatea este buna. Si daca eu nu sunt complet fericita ancorata in prezent, e treaba mea si a sufletului meu. Fara de care nu se poate.
Oricat de inteligenta si de ascutita ar fi o minte, e doar o minte. Suntem mai mult decat “o minte”.

getting more comfortable with what I cannot have
with what I had and I had lost
or what I had and let go

I dreamt you some nights ago. The old you. You rarely scared me, perhaps I saw you as too soft for me.

The first panic attack. I had it when I was 10. In the Black Cat night. I didn’t know what it was back then. I just knew I had to run away from there, even with the price of leaving my little brother behind. That was a terror I felt only a few times in my life. Without any control of the situation, at the mercy of humans that wanted to do bad things to me. So I have fought – that was a moment when I could do it. I spilled their blood and I ran away faster than I ran in my life.
And when I got home, I cried and lost my breath, and cried for help and asked for my parents to come and rescue me from that place. Although I had already mastered the art of crying without sound, I shouted from the top of my lungs, as I should have shouted at those humans, but I was too afraid.
Fear, fury, anger, rage, terror, why me, why me, why they, they were supposed to be my friends. And my relatives as traitors, they wouldn’t help me at all, they left me there. And my grandparents traitors, they didn’t tell me what would happen there, just threatened me. And my parents traitors, they left me there promising they’d come back. And my brother that had run away. Nobody will protect me but myself. I don’t trust anyone anymore. I don’t believe anybody loves me anymore.

____________________________________

And that was the Night of the Black Cat. They called me the Black Cat afterwards. I had broken another child’s nose and hit many of them.
I got punished not to leave the courtyard for the next 2 weeks.
The attackers? Nothing happened to them, other than bruises and that broken nose.
23 years gone by and I still hate one of them bitterly. Whenever I saw him, the terror and rage came back to me. The fear, the disgust. I wanted to kill him. I wanted him dead after I found out what would have happened to me if I hadn’t run, what happened to other girls in that same place.
Humans are humans that become animals so quickly.

__________________________________

Incet, incet, se va cauteriza trauma asta.
Si intr-o zi n-o sa-mi mai fie teama de barbati.
Si voi avea eu propriul meu fiu. O parte din mine va fi libera:)

Priveste, mama, intr-o zi
Voi elibera acest neam din povara fricii
Incredibila frica de masculinitate
Aia pe care o etalati voi prin toti porii,
Voi, femeile, care puteti, care faceti, care sunteti
Mai barbati decat barbatii vostri.

M83 – Oblivion (feat. Susanne Sundfør)

Oblivion. Aia va fi noaptea pisicii si atat. Noaptea in care nu voi mai fi nevoita sa lupt.

Today’s gonna be a weird day.
I’ve already felt defeated twice.
Interview tonight – tell us about your non-existent scripting talents.
On the other hand, here I’ll never be seen or appreciated more than a composer monkey (i get smth from here and compose it with smth from there).
But scripts are here, and would be there as well.
My heart says “stay some months more, don’t hurry”.
Probably.

~~~ * ~~~

deep trust issues.
one can respect without trusting? yes, i think it can.

Carla’s Dreams – Te rog (Official Video)

~~~ * ~~~

si ceva mai vesel si mai frumos:
Dmitri Shostakovich – Waltz No. 2

~~~ * ~~~
si ceva mai scary, precum fostele mele task-uri de diverse tehnologii microsoftiene:)
Prokofiev – Dance of the Knights

~~~ * ~~~
si de-abia astept sa fie miercuri, sa ajung in refugiu, sa desenez in nisip si sa-mi desert mintea.
si visul cu girafa.

Last January was grey, deep, dark grey. Because of work.
This is less grey because of work, and more grey because of other stuff.

I’ve recently written a post about loving myself.
I somehow love myself – my mind, my soul, my body. I’m not proud of everything, I still criticize many things at me. Yet I’ve started paying more attention to me. To my physical appearance. Since October, I’ve worn a skirt 6 times. Got nice shoes. I’ve recently bought lipstick and used it in some days. I keep track of what I’m eating more than I use to do it.

But it’s not enough, YET.
[paranthesis: many of my struggles, both personal and at work, are invisible to people, who sometimes consider I don’t do anything]

Because for some people it was never enough, now it’s very hard for me to reach the “enough”. Yet now these changes are enough. For more changes, next month and the next months and so on.

My belly is big, round and fat. It was always round and big (but not that fat). My belly is a remembering of the things that scared me, terrorized me in the last years, of my failings and victories. My belly is also the cemetery of my emotions – fear, anxiety, concerns, worries – they are all a huge void in my stomach. I used to eat to fill that void. Eat chocolate, sweets, or chips and spicy almonds. All to get me to a comfort zone, or to avoid having another anxiety attack, or a dreaded panic attack.
For someone who keeps calm most of the time, what I have written here is SF. But it doesn’t matter. That is how I am – easily stressed. That i how I have behaved – eating to feel less stressed. It didn’t change overnight and I didn’t change this behaviour completely.
My belly will not disappear over night. My belly is still a very important part of me – I gave it the power to protect me. I didn’t let it own me. So it doesn’t bother me that it has grown up so much. Because I know it’s transitory.
My belly will start disappearing when the reason for protection will have disappeared. That, plus sport and a balanced diet. In 1 or 2 years, my belly will not look like this anymore.

And my life with you will probably be much different.

In the meanwhile, I am still mourning. Some people come into your life for a season, a reason or a lifetime. And I think there was a big reason in your case.

Braveheart soundtrack (especially 0:42)

Ludovico Einaudi – Una mattina
si, desigur, EInaudi – FLY

This pain
In my brain,
In my limbs,
In my heart…
I don’t want it to go away.
I’m afraid its leaving would make me less human,
Less complex, more prone to evil. More prone to unthinkable actions.

Culeg firimiturile de atentie de la masa altora. Imi doresc sa fiu si eu in centru, cu ceilalti atenti la mine. In acelasi timp, sunt constienta ca nu se poate, nu se mai poate, nu as mai avea cum sa am parte de atentia AIA pe care mi-o doresc, mi-o doresc si, in acelasi timp, ma sperie rau…
Mi-am cumparat 4 rujuri care sa-mi faca buzele rosii, extrem de rosii, cele mai rosii. Ma dau cu ele doar in casa, ma privesc in fata oglinzii si stiu ca n-as avea curaj sa ies asa pe strada. Sau sa merg asa la munca. Ca sa nu fiu considerata bitch. Bitchy. Sau ca sa nu se uite lumea la buzele mele – dar atunci de le-am mai rujat asa intens?

INFP e acum la limita cu ENFP.
Ce vreau? NU STIU CE VREAU. Vreau ca lumea sa fie fericita sau nu, sa fie impacata cu sine, dar atunci oamenii nu vor vrea sa devina mai buni. Vreau ca eu sa devin un om mai bun, vreau sa am controlul asupra vietii mele, sa nu ma mai simt ca o minge aruncata in spatiu, care se roteste haotic si greu de la o zi la alta. Satelitii mei cei mici si dragi acum au inceput sa-mi patrunda in vise, si nu ma mai pot gandi la scenarii lugubre. Pur si simplu m-am obisnuit atat de mult cu prezenta lor, cu trupusoarele lor micute si frematatoare, si mintile intrebatoare, incat parca… parca… parca le-as sti de mult timp.

M: Tu de ce te-ai nascut?
Si ce sa spun… ca sa invat niste lucruri pe lumea asta, ca sa cunosc niste oameni. Si ca sa le am pe ele.

What I like:
– meet new people and find out things about them, discover them

‘Cause we’re all skies full of stars (Coldplay – Sky full of stars)

I have to say Goodbye to you,
You, that I haven’t even known yet.
I have to say Goodbye to you,
No matter how well I wanted to know you.

So Goodbye to you, my heart will cry a little, my heart will smile and rejoice over a decision that I myself have taken. Because I take decisions with my heart and it’s not a sin. It’s an important part of me and this is how I am.

Mika – (No) Happy ending

Arrival Of The Birds & Transformation by The Cinematic Orchestra

Am avut un vis/gand aievea. Un perete jumatate galben stralucitor in stanga, jumatate gri stralucitor in dreapta. Iata cele doua fetze ale depresiei mele, mi-am zis. De ce ar reprezenta culorile astea starile mele? Nu stiu. Imi plac si nu am nicio haina in culorile astea.
Am vorbit ieri/azi cu doi oameni care ma cunosc de ceva vreme si fiecare mi-a spus ca nu a vazut schimbari in mine, la mine. M-a inflamat chestia asta, m-a enervat, m-a intristat si apoi m-am gandit mai profund – daca au dreptate? Daca chiar nu m-am schimbat? Sau toate schimbarile sunt de suprafata? Sau am dat in cealalta extrema?
M-am intristat pentru ca am simtit iarasi “presiunea schimbarii” – schimba-te si te voi iubi, fii altfel si te voi accepta, fii ca X, revino-ti! M-am si bucurat pentru ca asta ar insemna ca miezul meu nu a fost atins. Apoi, iarasi, intrebarea chinuitoare: daca miezul meu a ramas acelasi, si eu nu m-am schimbat, si in continuare simt atata durere, inseamna ca e ceva gresit cu miezul meu, cu mine? Sau gresit e faptul ca nu ma schimb (suficient de repede, suficient de bine) pentru ca NU VREAU sa ma schimb?

Schiller & Moya Brennan – Falling

Am citit acum un articol care m-a atins foarte tare. Rusinea e unul dintre stalpii caracterului meu. Si eu m-am simtit urata, ca nu merit, ca nu am nicio putere, ca lumea ar fi un loc mai bun fara mine, ca persoanele apropiate te ranesc cel mai tare. Si ma intreb si eu daca partea aia de schimbat nu e tocmai partea care m-a salvat. Partea masochista din mine, care se lasa calcata in picioare, dar era bataioasa pentru altii, partea imaginativa, care fugea de realitate si idealiza tot ce putea.

De ce, de ce imi ceri sa renunt la mine? As fi si mai nefericita decat sunt acum daca as face asta. Da, deseori sunt mai mult nefericita decat fericita. Dar traiesc, traiesc cum pot, TRAIESC. Si sunt eu!

Dar rationalul din tine nu poate intelege cum de o parte care otraveste poate sa si sustina.
E ca la unghia mea ranita – as fi putut sa tai o bucata de deget, sau sa fac sa-mi fie iarasi smulsa, dar nu vreau asta – pentru ca POT trai asa, pentru ca nu ma simt imperfecta asa. Pentru ca intr-o zi se va face bine. Iar daca nu se va face bine, care-i problema?

Si ce daca nu ma iubiti voi asa si iubiti imaginea din capul vostru?
Invat greu ca viata e un contract pe termen lung (da, prea mult timp am gandit pe termen scurt si foarte scurt). Si invat ca sunt lucruri cu bataie lunga, foarte lunga. Poate si schimbarea mea e un proces din asta. Nu ati vazut nimic in 2 ani, in 5 ani, in 7 ani. Dar nu voi trebuie sa ma iubiti, in primul rand. Ci eu. Sa ajung la 35 de ani incepand sa ma iubesc. Sa ajung la 40 de ani iubindu-ma. Sa ajung la 50 de ani iubindu-ma mai mult.
Si cum as putea face asta mai bine, decat permitandu-mi sa ma integrez in mine? Permitand acelei parti care m-a ajutat sa supravietuiesc sa se dizolve in mine?
Cum m-as putea iubi taindu-ma pe jumatate, aruncand la gunoi ceea ce m-a tinut in viata? De ce sa nu ma salvez eu singura?
Poate ca unii pot asa, dar eu nu pot. Si nu VREAU.
Asa sunt eu. Habar n-am de ce exista pe lume oameni ca mine. Cu inimi bune si cu fapte mai putin bune. Dar exist. Exist.
Si ar trebui sa incetez sa ma justific pentru ca exist. Exist. Pur si simplu exist.

Dupa ce voi integra asta, voi putea sa si devin.

Ludovico Einaudi – Divenire

P.S. I know you wanna help and all you do or say is to help me. But many times, I need acceptance more than help. Peace.

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