Lucrurile pentru care merita sa traiesti sunt exact alea pentru care merita sa mori.
Paradoxal, nu?

Stiu ca mi-am spus mai demult ca nu merita sa mori pentru nimic, dar ce naiba, aveam 14 ani… Merita sa mori pentru iubire, pentru o idee, pentru a opri un rau sau pentru a crea un bine mai mare.

_______________

In mintea mea, povestea aia cu dragonii a fost scrisa de mai multe ori. Pe foaie, insa, n-am scris-o deloc.
N-am disciplina. Deloc.
Stiu totusi ceva despre disciplina – nu o poti forta, nu o poti impune. Vine din interior sau nu e deloc.

_______________

Misfit, outcast, different, snake between eagles.
De ce m-am simtit mereu diferita?
Am fost singura fata intre ceilalti copii-baieti, am fost nepoata intre nepoti, am fost copilul dorit baiat care a iesit fata. Am fost fata baietoasa intre fete, am fost fata cu sani mari printre fete cu sani mici, fata sportiva printre floricele.
Am fost copilul care e interesat de toate materiile, copilul care citea mult si des, copilul care pleca mai departe decat altii (chiar si singur), copilul care se voia placut de toata lumea. Am fost copilul care isi dorea sa stie tot si sa aiba toate meseriile din lume. Am fost copilul care a citit Vechiul Testament, cartile de zoologie si agricultura, carti de cosmetica, ingrijirea gospodariei, in timp ce habar n-avea sa mulga o vaca.
Am fost copilul care alerga dupa tranzistoare si rezistente si impedante, pentru ca erau mici si colorate.
Am fost copilul care visa sa puna fludor pe sticla si sa picteze sticla, sau sa creeze arta din obiecte de metal.
Am fost copilul confident-adult, copilul care purta pe umeri vinovatia lumii…
Am devenit adolescenta care isi dorea sa moara si sa se termine odata (ca multi alti adolescenti, de altfel).
Am fost adolescenta care visa sa se imbrace fistichiu in timp ce purta cele mai intunecate si mai conventionale haine.
Am fost adolescenta care purta sacou negru cu adidasi negri. Sau dresuri cu buline negre si bluze de matase.
Am fost adolescenta cu corp fain care-si ura copul si-l ascundea.
Am fost adolescenta care n-a purtat niciodata decolteu, sau fusta mini, sau bluza cu un umar gol, sau haine din care sa mi se vada buricul. Am purtat top cu bretele o singura data (la balul absolvitii clasei a 12-a).
Am fost adolescenta care a descoperit ca-i plac parfumurile. Am fost adolescenta care s-a dus la olimpiada de istorie si a castigat un premiu si s-a simtit impostoare si ca l-a furat cuiva care poate l-ar fi folosit. Am fost adolescenta care a mers la Poli, desi fusese acceptata la o facultate prestigioasa pe uman. Am fost singura dintre colegii mei de liceu care s-a dus la acea facultate.
Am fost tanara care n-avea ce cauta la Poli… Am fost tanara a preferat sa pice examene decat sa aiba 5 in carnet. Am fost tanara care avea note maxime la cele cateva materii de uman dintr-o mare de matematica si electronici.
Am fost cea mai mica intr-o camera de camin in care toata lumea plangea. Am fost singura care juca Starcraft (cu nume de baiat), si singura care nu mai avusese vreun prieten.

Sunt adultul care nu stie sa-si controleze viata, nu-si controleaza copiii (nici nu vad de ce as face-o), adultul care ia decizii, se razgandeste, iar se gandeste si se razgandeste din nou.
Sunt adultul care-si apreciaza mai mult corpul asta gras si cu vergeturi, decat isi aprecia adolescentas trupul ferm si puternic.
Sunt adultul care nu poate spune NU. Sunt adultul care are emotiile unui copil.

Sunt adulta care poate face un super cheesecake si nu stie sa faca o friptura.
Sunt adulta care prefera sa citeasca decat sa faca curat.
Sunt o femeie adulta care nu stie cu ce-i sta in bine.

Sunt adultul care se viseaza copil. Sunt adultul care alearga in parc la Sticluta cu otrava. Sunt adultul care se scalambaie la The book with no Pictures.
Sunt adultul care lucreaza in IT si inventeaza foiletoane cu dragoni si viseaza sa scrie carti.
Sunt adultul care nu stie cine e.

Azi am chef de baut cappuccino, de mancat ciocolata, de scris si de ascultat muzica epica.
Chiar de plimbat prin soare, in timp ce visez la povestea mea cu dragoni.

In loc de asta, voi sta pe scaun, bibilind o chestie de care nu-mi pasa, incercand sa nu ma gandesc la martea care vine si la un posibil atac de panica.

Am si o veste buna privind rezolvarea situatiei mele. Situatia mea: lucrez in IT, in corporatie si ptr o corporatie, desi imi doresc sa fac ceva ptr oameni, ceva care sa conteze si sa-i ajute pe oameni.
Intrucat nu stiu sa fac altceva si nu pot renunta la job sa fac voluntariat (because money!), solutia ar fi sa lucrez in IT pentru o firma care face ceva care sa ajute oamenii (nu alte corporatii).
De ex., sa lucrez ptr Apache, Coursera, LinkedIn, github, CourseCademy, booking.com, w3school. Ptr o companie care ofera gratis niste lucruri utile oamenilor. Apache face Open Office, server Apache, ant si maven.
LinkedIn ii ajuta pe oameni sa schimbe jobul si sa se informeze.
Site-urile cu tutoriale ii ajuta sa invete limbaje de programare sau alte lucruri (pe Coursera sunt f. multe cursuri) care sa le faca viata mai usoara sau sa-i ajute sa castige niste bani.
Si mai sunt si alte firme… as simti ca fac ceva util.
S-au dus vremurile cand testam switchuri folosite de NASA, gandindu-ma ca particip si eu un pic-un pic la explorarea spatiului, avand grija sa aiba cat mai putine buguri switchurile alea…

clubbed to death – Matrix soundtrack
Clint Mansell – Requiem for a dream soundtrack (Lux Aeterna)
Braveheart soundtrack
The Gael – “The Best of Celtic Music”

what else is there?
what is the purpose? why are we here, all of us humans? is this world even true?

how long am i going to lie to myself?
or how long i’m gonna stand myself staying here, knowing very well it’s not my place, it’s not a good place for me… i’m occupying someone else’s place.

where to go? where to run? where to find home? where to find alinare?
i have the power and i am afraid to use it.
i am afraid of what the future might bring.
while this… this is the sound of inevitability.
if i don’t get out of here, i’ll wither in a couple of years.

i hate to be a slow snake on the ground while other fly so fast in the sky.
i hate it. i i i i i am out of ideas.

Once you get here, you keep coming back. It doesn’t go away in 1 day.

Nobody ever asks me what I want. Since I’m here, I probably want all this. Truth is I just wanna crawl in bed and hide under the blanket. Just lay there, at the conscious/inconscious barrier.
Think and cry and stop thinking until I no longer hear my heartbeat. I don’t like hearing it. It makes me too self-conscious of my flesh, of the imminent danger in my mind. Is it normal to perceive your heartbeat so often? I’d like to say it sounds so strong, but nothing strong relates to me these days.
Nonetheless, it’s a panic heartbeat of a human in pain and fear.

I don’t know, is the answer. I don’t know.

From the depths of my despair

I’ve been here before
And I know what it means
To see the life getting pulled out
To see the light disappear
To lose the joy of living
To lose the will to live
And to become unbearable to itself.

So welcome, depression,
My long-time friend
Welcome again, you’re gonna stay until
The end?
I’ll warn you again,
Depression, enemy, friend,
I’ve thought it all through
My dignity’s low, but here’s the truth:
Stupid and ugly and fat
Lazy and stubborn and mad
Even crazy and yelling and bad,
All these? Better than “dead”.

So gome home, depression,
And leave me alone
Go to suck someone else’s soul.
Go awaken another, instead,
And I’ll recognize it was you, not pretend.
Although I know it’s not you, when, in fury,
I throw stupid words and repeat the story
My mother’s voice is that, my father’s words are those
And I am beneath, hidden in my “cause”.
I know I say those words, that “I’m not good enough”
Never have been, so why all the fuss?
Live like “The Idiot”, bring others to despair
People won’t care anyway, they don’t care.
All that it matters, at the end of the day,
Is you to be fine and your family ok.

P.S. you don’t “owe” them anything.
Especially not life.

in another lifetime
i will
i will
i will
.
.
.
.
.
i only have one lifetime
and i loathe it
and i loathe myself

not good enough
never good enough
as anything

Tu poti face orice!
Nu esti in stare de nimic!
Daca te apuci de ceva, sa-l faci cel mai bine, altfel mai bine nu te apuci.
Fa-l cum il faci, numai sa fie facut.
Stiu ca ma pot baza pe tine.
Nu am nicio baza in tine.

 

We gotta fix up. Face the rain.
Taste the pain. Oh we need the pain
To know we’re alive… To know we’re alive.
I put my hands up to the jury
Oh I plead guilty… for something I have done
Something I have done too many times.

Could we call it a mistake if we did it again
And again, and again, and again?
There’s nobody left to blame now
It’s happening again, and again and again and again.

Oh heaven. Heaven.
It’s gonna haunt us, ‘till it takes us.
Heaven, heaven.
It’s gonna haunt us, ’till it takes us.

We’re scared, it’s out of our hands.
So let’s make the most of the time we’ve got,
The friends we have, of the friends we lost.
And maybe now we’ll know that there is someone waiting for us…
Out there, yeah.

And the bright lights in the big city would never compare.
Would never compare…
But I’m going when my time’s up it’d be so pretty, pretty
Got me so giddy, giddy.
Maybe now we’ll know that there is someone watching us…
Up there.

Could we call it a mistake if we did it again
And again, and again, and again?
There’s nobody left to blame now
It’s happening again, and again and again and again.

Oh heaven. Heaven.
It’s gonna haunt us, ’till it takes us.
Heaven, heaven.
It’s gonna haunt us, ’till it takes us.

Save me…
Only you can take these wings and make them fly.
Help me…
Come and catch me when I’m falling apart.

There’s nobody left to blame now
It’s happening again, and again, and again, and again, and again.
Just give me something heavenly.
Just give me something heavenly.

Oh heaven. Heaven.
So take me there. So take me there. Take me there yeah. Oh yeah.
Heaven. Heaven.
It’s gonna haunt us until it takes us.
Oh heaven.
Heaven.
Oh heaven.
Heaven.
Oh heaven.
Heaven.

David Stewart feat Ed Sheeran – Heaven

Vis cu D si D care erau dentisti si se uitau in gura mea :P (funny, nici macar nu ma duc la dentisti barbati, dar numai de-astia visez)

Vis cu rechin (peste ferestrau)
Sunt intr-o incapere cu mai multi colegi si un rechin rotunjor de 1 m, cu botul lung, ne alearga sa ne muste (da, pluteste prin aer si e rapid). Toti incercam sa scapam de el, mi-e frica, dar nu paralizant. Ceilalti alearga si ma gandesc sa scap de rechin, il insfac si-l duc spre cuptorul incins, il dau cu capul de cuptor si gura larg deschisa cu sinti ascutiti prinde gratarul cuptorului. Il tin acolo pana moare
In scena urmatoare, o incapere in penumbra, capul rechinului pe un piedestal. Discut cu o colega, rechinul era ceva cunoscut in familia ei (?). Ma uit la capul rechinului si mi se face groaznic de frica. Apoi ma intreb daca sa ma rog la Dzeu ca am omorat o creatura, apoi ma gandesc ca rechinul e un pradator cu sange rece, apoi ma gandesc ca asa e el facut (“nothing personal”)… si ma trezesc.
[e un pacat ca l-am omorat? ma aflam in pericol direct, totusi nu incepuse sa ma atace, dar l-am omorat…]

Vis cu serpoaica roz, rozalie – alerg in casa s-o caut, gasesc un cablu si cred ca e serpoaica, dar nu e, si plang de ciuda si disperare. Serpopaica apare si-mi zice “credeai ca ai scapat de mine?” (ceva in genul asta, sau/si de tradare), o secunda mi-e teama ca ma va musca cu gura ei deschisa si cu dinti; ea se arunca si se incolaceste in jurul umerilor mei, imbratinsadu-ma puternic si iubitor cum face M. Si ma simt fericita ca e acolo, ca n-a plecat; imi vine in minte semnificatia (ciudat cum mintea mea aluneca din subconstient in constient), si ma intreb daca serpoaica nu e cumva partea mea, cealalta EU din oglinda, si in sfarsit ne intalnim sa traim una in alta.
Fast-forward in vis, alerg pe asfalt spre mai multi copii (eu fiind cam tot copil), ma impiedic si cad, ma ridic si ma uit in jos – am in picioare pantofii maro ai lui D, un pic uzati, in rest sunt in stare foarte buna.

Try walking in my shoes in alta forma :P

it annoys me when i wanna go deeper and i cannot.

knowing just tiny pieces of people annoyes me. who are they, how did they get here, how are they like underneath their masks.
maybe there’s nothing there, just as the Sphinx without a secret.
yet, as seen last night, even open and out-going are more than it meets the eye.

so, yesterday’s night was my first Passover ever. and probably the last one, as well, as i don’t know any Jewish person that would invite me.
i’m curious about the Jewish traditions and Jewish people, i’d like to meet more of them, from a friend perspective.

back to people and the little time to know each other. actually, not each other – i wanna them, i still don’t want them to know me. yet i give a lot of details about me (yeah, the old trade – i’ll tell you something about me, you tell me something of you, too).

still it’s weird – passing a lot of time with some people and you don”t get to know them.
you pass a lot of time at work and fewer time with family.
i’m used to gather, collect people, experiences, travelling, books, perfumes, emotions.
so i am a collector? hmmmmmmmmm, i guess that’s why i took the man’s side first time i read John Fowles’ The Collector.
having someone in your basement because you’re obsessed with her didn’t seem such a bad idea in my twisted love-hate world.
than i grew up and learnt about freedom and diversity of expression. so i know better now…

 

well, it was nice staying here for 2 weeks, now i will go back to my deeper side :)
as for the rest, que sera, sera.
i CAN make my plans and work them out. Scorpio, Cancer, Leo, Virgo.

Trey Song – Nana

 

it’s funny to write about the sea while listening to a song called “Desert Rose” (Sting).
the sea, the ocean… the desert.
the restless sea is actually a part of the Pacific ocean, and I was blessed to see it. to hear it and smell it, and feel it, admire the ever-changing colours and play with the waves… it was just me, the ocean, the sky, the win, i was. I. fading in the deepness around me.

if i were a writer and had money, i’d live there, on the 17 mile coast. or in Tuscany, but that’s another story.
i love the sea, i love water and i can’t understand why i only get once a year to the seaside.
i like watching it more than i like getting in the water. watching it, smelling it, feeling the wind blow my hair…

the ocean colour matches some people’s eyes. beautiful.

Life resolution: look more people in the eyes. More and for a longer time.
there are so many people, so many places and so many things to discover.
so many books to read, so many things to see and hear and smell and taste…

i love US for this abundence of possibilities, for this diversity of people, for this meeting of cultures and foods and customs.
they’re all Americans, although that’s one of the rarest things here: finding an US-born person.
but when you do find one… :)

Close your eyes
Just feel and realize
It is real and not a dream
I’m in you and you’re in me
It is time
To break the chains of life
If you follow you will see
What’s beyond reality

Enigma – Beyond the invisible

i don’t wanna go to sleep.

Janet Jackson – Everytime

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