Crush(1)

Exista o memorie a carnii. Pe langa memoria nasului, a urechii, a ochilor si a mainilor. Exista o memorie a carnii, pe interior, care se scrie rar si nu se sterge niciodata. Cand sangele alearga electrocutat, carnea tine minte. Cand fluturii se involbureaza in stomac, carnea memoreaza. Cand te indragostesti, carnea isi aminteste de carnea omului simtit in alta viata.

Chris Rea – Candles
Michael Nyman – The heart asks pleasure first

16 vs 26

De ce in ziarele noastre nu exista asemenea discutii? Doar si la noi exista oameni care au auzit de Heidegger.

***

This is interesting, whether you’re a Jew or not. Admission in some schools is still done based on parent’s nationality or religion.

I remember we had some religion teachers practiced the segregation with protestants or jew children. Very unethical.

***

16 vs. 26

Discutiile legate de varsta au ca etalon 18 si 30, dar eu o sa compar 16 cu 26. Cum era la 16 ani si cum e la cei nou-impliniti 26.

Corp? O fi fost el mai ferm si mai aratos la 16 ani, dar de-abia de pe la 25 pot spune ca am inceput sa depasesc look-ul androgin. Ma simt fata/femeie, nu (mai) tin sa slabesc, incerc sa nu ma ingras si acum realizez efectul coditelor si pantofilor cu toc inalt asupra barbatilor.

Fata? Scapat de acnee. Nasul nu mai pare asa mare. S-a dus privirea de om haituit. Ce e mai mult de zis?

Minte? Muuuuch better. Much safer for me.  Nu mai am timp sa citesc asa mult, nu-mi mai alearga gandurile asa mult si departe, nu mai stau sa elaborez teorii, dar am mai multa incredere in mine, preiau criticile constructive si acum chiar primesc credit pentru teoriile elaborate atunci

Inima? Less on fire, but still burning. Ma bucur ca persoana de care-mi placea la 16 ani m-a respins fara drept de apel. Altfel am fi ajuns insurati si nefericiti. Asa, am ajuns: eu – cum sunt; iara el – cu nevasta, masina si casa (uite ce li se intampla tipilor de care mi-a placut! ). Mai adaug si ca e foarte gras, foarte chel si are o privire rea, deci ma bucur cu atat mai mult ca si-a indeplinit toate visele mic-burgheze cu altcineva.

Empatie? Well… lose some, gain some. Altii nu mai pot plange prin mine. Renuntat partial la carapace. Incerc sa privesc obiectiv ce se intampla (mie sau altora)si incerc sa vad MEREU si cealalta fata a medaliei (mai bine zis, incerc sa vad si partea buna din lucrurile rele, nu numai pe dos ca pana acum).

Parents? much better. Is la vreo 200 de km de mine (glumeam si nu prea). Nu mai sunt adolescentul revoltat bun de tap ispasitor, iar ei nu mai sunt adultii aia care ma santajeaza sentimental. Acum sunt copii cu acte in regula Mi-am asumat responsabilitatile alegerilor mele (omg, cat de matur in limba de lemn suna asta!).

Marriage? Eram mai potrivita atunci decat sunt acum (dada, stiam sa gatesc si gateam, calcam, barbatii pareau niste copii mici de care mama ma invata sa am grija ). Pe de alta parte, nu mai am ganduri de calugarit sau schimbare de sex si insurat cu cea mai buna prietena (i was really innocent – or stupid? – in matter of love and sex… mybe both). I’ve come to think that not ALL real life marriages are BAD, as opposed to some bookish love.

Babies? Yes, please. Can I has three of them? Their father could give birth to them (ideally ). Unchanged – always wanted children. Ideally, I’d have 3 and 2 would be twins, a boy and a girl.

Future plans? More realistic at 26. Well, I have in mind a college that didn’t seem quite attendable at 16. Next summer.

Money: I has my own money now. Which is good. I can buy a whichever kind of book whenever I want and I don’t have to tell why I bought it. Living with my parents or relatives  (even young ones) is out of the question. No more boy vs girl going out discrimination.

Job? not my dream job, not anything I thought of when I was 16. But it’s a good one, it suits me (hey, ever thought that my curiosity and my being detail oriented would make me a good bug hunter? or that my openess towards other cultures could bring me Vietnamese and Indian friends? not that bad being a tester, huh?)

Conclusion: glad to be 26.

Lived and learnt a lot of things since the beginning of 2008. Changed 5 homes and 2 hearts in attempt of building myself. It feels like something is ending, and although I’m not very happy with the output of all changes, everything will be fine.

Random(5)

I wonder how do we get bored with familiar things around ourselves (blog included).

I guess we’re just getting bored with ourselves.

Ode to my never lovers

This is an ode to my never lovers
The ones I liked and could’ve had
Or never.

Just in my mind.
Or in their souls.
A drop of poison
On the walls
Of love.

There were the lovers whose hearts I’ve broke
There were the lovers whose souls I’ve torn
There were the lovers of flaws and tears
And there were the never lovers.

They’d never know my mouth’s inside
Or how to keep their arms, so tight.
I’d never touch their hair or eyes
They’d never see me bleeding lies.

At times I whisper on their way.
Some could’ve been more than a why
If only I knew how…..

***

Why aren’t I a woman that no man can resist?

Why aren’t I a woman that men would kill each other for my kiss?

Why aren’t I a woman who can bring despair with a roll of my eye?

Why aren’t I the kind of woman who makes them wonder why they even try?

Why aren’t I a woman that makes other girls feel plain?

Why aren’t I a woman that other girls just want to have remember their name?

Why aren’t I a woman that girls look at, shake their heads and sigh?

Why aren’t I the kind of woman that makes them wonder why they even try?

Why aren’t I the kind of woman that though no man can keep he never forgets?

The kind of woman that though no man can keep he never regrets?

Why aren’t I the woman who breaks the heart of James Bond?

Why aren’t I a woman that men still adore though I done them so wrong?

Why aren’t I a woman that men speak of, as they break down and cry,

“My God, she was so great. Why did I even try?”

Inspired by:

Sexing the cherry (for the flow of words, somewhat lyric-ish; thanks, O&N)
Gladiator (for giving up the idea of parallel universes - it's only here and now)
Emma Wallace's "Alice in Wonderland" - as presented by Wind Whisperer 
"This is it" - unfinished things still leave a strong mark

toti ochii pe care nu i-am putut sorbi

256

25 to 26

- saw NY in autumn, saw NY in spring

- saw Van Gogh, Monet, Picasso for real

- bought a lot of things i haven’t worn

- oboseala, oboseala, oboseala

- woman on the verge of a nervous breakdown

- schimbat 3 case

- facut rost de 3 ciuperci (imi place cifra 3 si cifra 3 ma place)

- discutii/certuri cu sefii

- am o mare problema cu Balantele barbati.aia care nu-mi amintesc de tata imi amintesc de mama

- luat decizii multe; mici, mari, colosale, minuscule.

- tinut ochii deschisi in apa (yes, it was a turning point)

- je ne regrette.

- les reves d’antan… ou sont elles?

regret cate-o chestie a cate unui om.

regret ca am uitat ceva important vara asta.

regret ca n-am terminat ceva la timp. n-am terminat multe, de fapt.

mai regret si ca DM nu a mai cantat in Ro anul asta.

Now I'm not looking for absolution,
Forgiveness for the things I do.
I'm not looking for a clearer conscience,
Peace of mind after what I've been through.
And before we talk of any repentance -
Try walking in my shoes.
Try walking in my shoes.

i live and i die.

p.s. if you choose to see only the weirdness in me and ignore the normality in me, that is your problem.

I got lost on my wedding day

 

 

Make me laugh
Say you know what you want
You said we were the real thing
So I show you some more and I learn
What black magic can do
Make me laugh
Say you know you can trun
Me into the real thing
So I show you some more
And I learn

I smell autumn

We left right at the sunrise.  The sky looked like an iced sea of reddish waves.

It was light, it was cold and it was you.

*****

Smell is a very under-estimated sense. Yet it’s the one sense collecting and linking most emotions.

*****

Perfume is my favourite sin. Demands finance, time and patience to find the one scent that has something.

Something with the masculine drowsiness of olives, a hint of musk, perhaps a bit of patchouli. Maybe vanilla or some mysterious rose. Chypre and vetiver. Or… just anything that goes wooo on my nose on one particular day.

*****

I like powerful scents, intriguing scents, scents that don’t always appeal. Signature scents for people that know me.

I also like discrete, smell-able only for the curious nose near my neck, or my ears.

My curiosity goes towards the misted bodies I sense on the street, walking in front of me, next to me. I follow people whose smell I like – my stalking curiosity is not for their face, but for the way they move, spreading the fragrance, and maybe for the voice, and for the traces they leave behind them.

*****

Some perfumes are like a poem, playing with aromas as if they were words. Others come like a symphony, imposing and long lasting. And there are some that just cut a bit of the Universe and deliver it in a bottle. The bottle? or the scent? or the people that used it? they all gather around for a trip down the memory lane, like this exquisite post from Memory and Desire.

*****

And if you like autumn, the penchant of spring, why not imagine/recall autumn smells?

My autumn always smells of cold, clean and colours.

Autumn is a vibrant city in the morning. The Statue of Liberty, appalling turquoise above the water. The shiny city hall above some beautiful unknown trees. A Starbucks coffee over cold hands near terribly high sky scrappers.

Autumn is a country house in a valley surrounded by hills. Wake up in the morning, listen to parents and grandparents voices. I smell colours – dying red yellow leaves on black, moist earth; grey fire smoke somewhere; the cry of violet crushed plums combined with the greeness of wallnuts, the orangeness and strong aroma they leave on hungry hands.

Autumn is a rainy day, in a bed surrounded by warmth, under a pillow of love. Holding hands before getting up and leaving for the mad world.

*****

Here’s a beautiful entry on Autumn smells:
“To me, autumn is the smell of my cat coming in from the cold. It only lasts a minute, maybe less, but if I can scoop her up before she runs to the dinner bowl, and inhale deeply, there is a fragrance of incomparable beauty, and nearly impossible to describe: it is cold but alive, her fur, yes, but also wisps of the smoke from our chimney, the fresh cut woodpile she nestles in to watch for mice, the sweet brown of decaying leaves on the forest floor. Wandering outside won’t lead you to this smell, it is something unique to her and her kind. Maybe we walk too far from the ground, or maybe we don’t stay long enough in one place, but her autumn is a world truly apart from mine. While I love the rich wine and honey of my autumn, it is nothing compared to her wild and lovely life.”

PufPufPufosenii!

Life’s like a box of chocolate. You never know what you might get.

Luni seara. Vazut si re-vazut oameni faini, calzi, sufletisti, copilarosi, toleranti, deschisi si responsabili. Pufosenii, ce mai. Adunat imbratisari din suflet, o carte tare interesanta cu carti de tarot in ea o pernuta cu buzunarele si nasturei si miros de levantica si eucalipt, numai buna de adulmecat la munca cand se ingroasa treaba (acum imi miroase geanta a levantica si a ciocolata neagra

Simtit cald si pufos de parca-i cunosteam pe oameni de-o viata. Deschidere si impartasire.

Mai bine decat orice sedinta de terapie.

A 2-a zi m-a durut nitel capul; n-am baut niciodata asa mult – 1 l de vin fiert cu scortisoara si portocale, pe masura noastra. Dar a meritaaaaaaat

De-abia astept sa va revad, Dana, Oanamaria si Octavian!

P.S. asta-i noua obsesie  (din filmul Daywatch).

Randomize(6)

Here’s a very interesting interview with psychologist David Myers – on his new book: What God Has Joined Together? A Christian Case for Gay Marriage, Myers and co-author Letha Dawson Scanzoni, whose subjects are happiness, marriage and homosexuality from a pshychological and Christian perspective.

“The authors argue that homosexuality is a natural and lasting disposition, and that from biblical and scientific perspectives, marriage results in stronger, happier individuals and better societies. Supporting the institution of marriage, then, is in everybody’s best interest.”

Excerpts:

“Forty percent of married people report that they arevery happy, compared with only twenty-three percent of never-married adults. I don’t place much credence in [Sigmund] Freud, but he got this much right: The healthy adult, he said, is one who can love and work.”

“Our aim is to help bridge the divide between traditionalists, who feel keenly about the need to support marriage, and progressives, who see sexual orientation as a natural disposition to be lived out within the context of a covenantal partnership. We offer evidence that supports both sides and defines some common ground between them.”

“Seven biblical verses seem to condemn same-sex contact, out of 31,000 biblical verses. Among these seven, the context often suggests idolatry, violent rape, lust, exploitation, or promiscuity, which says nothing about a loving relationship between homosexuals. Anyone who does an online search of a main biblical translation, such as the New Revised Standard Version, will see that the word “homosexual” does not appear in the Bible, as one would expect, since sexual orientation is a modern concept.”

“These cultures also celebrate innovation and creativity, and they tend to respect individual human rights. When individualists pursue their own ends and all goes well, life can seem rewarding. Curiously, though, within individualist cultures, people with the strongest social ties express the greatest satisfaction with their lives. Moreover, the seeming benefits of individualism can come at the cost of more loneliness, more divorce, more homicide, and more stress-related disease. Individualists also demand more romance and personal fulfillment in marriage, which subjects the marriage relationship to more pressure.”

Via Ionuka.

Randomize(5)

One of the absolute love songs. Along with Metallica – Nothing else matters.

“Nothing you’d confess/Could make me love you less”

*****

Beautiful Stingo post on depression with presentation of Darkness Visible: A Memoir of Madness by William Styron.

*****

I continue to dream weird things. Earthquake. Agressive cat brought by Di. Wanna-be-wolves that belonged to a wedding and made Sweeper wanna leave (yes, man, I dreamt you! in Valcea, there was snow). Me&D lost someone in the subway and went to the wolf wedding, to find one of my male workmates as a girl. Last night, it was a cat whose fur had the leopard print. Not friendly. Dreams dictionary say earthquake, cat, wolf, wedding, are not good signs. Especially for work. I could’ve said that already, without any ado dream.

*****

Sometimes I’d run, run, run, run, run, run, run, run, run, run, run, run, run, run, run, run, only to find my self is still there.

Despite my health condition, I think I wanna have a baby.

P.S. Creatrix is back and she says she dedicated me a post. Imogen doesn’t fit me, but I’d sure like to meet her

P.S. again: This is breathtaking.