She was born. After an experience that completely scarred me. A rape by women, that’s the birth in some hospitals. That’s the name for what happens when people keep you down, while introducing something inside you, and you scream, and you wanna run away, but they push you down, and you scream, and you’re so afraid that you think you’re gonna die.
And parts of your body hurt so much, your back aches from all the pain and they want you to lay down and stay down, but these people don’t care they might break your arms or your ribs, they just shout at you and tell you to shut up. And tell you to do things you don’t wanna do, like push, Push, PUSH, but only when THEY want to.
So, if this ain’t rape, what is it?
The experience I’ve always feared, the thing that made me run away from many men, happened that night, with women. 10 women around me, destroying what was supposed to be the most empowering experience of my woman life.
No wonder I got into a depression shortly after giving birth. It took another birth – only me and my man – to get some of the power back. The power over my body.

 

This happened 4 years ago, but today, today is her birthday!

She birthed me as a new human, much more independent and mentally and emotionally healthier. So thank you and hapy birthday, Irina! I love you!

Will you
Still love me

Remember summers.
Hot and fleshy, filling my body and my mind with desires.
Hot nights, when the body is too exhausted to sleep and the mind still wanders.

When you’re young, 18-25, fuck summers. Spill, cream, milk, icecream, peach, Shiva the Destroyer, aggression, running under a hot sun, will you still love me when i’m no longer beautiful…

Remember cooler nights in a condo. American nights.
Pool gym, black lace dress, perfume. All for myself.
Wishing I’d hold somebody’s hand in mine near the ocean.
No kiss in front of the Pacific.

Perfume, stockings, high heels.

Go away, spiderman. We’re still kids playing adult’s life.

sometimes you gotta get really down so you can start rising again.

Why do I feel as though everything is almost lost? When I was thinking I’d make a trade with the Devil, I was referring to letting go ppl I knew, safety, less hours for work and more hours with kids. Not with the Devil in my mind.
I’ve got no idea why I’m so kiddish emotionally. Panic attack. I fear it’s gonna come a big one and I don’t wanna have it at work.
There are many times in which I wanna get out and just run, run, run. This happened in the other workplace as well, but here is even clearer.
What’s so scary? Nobody here is a friend, acceptive or just a sympathetic ear, and I’m so scared…

Scare/scar.

Michael Nyquist – The heart seeks pleasure first
Clive Mansell – Lux Aeterna/Requiem for a Dream

Run, run, run, run, run.
Am I trying to meet my Nemesis? And then I’d be lost.

One day I had to become the hunt again. It was my favourite game in childhood. Being chased, escaping hunters and hiding in a close place, looking at them searching for me.
But we’re no longer kids playing hide’n’seek. It’s a real game now. And I feel I’m the hunt… for who? Who’s chasing me? And why? And where to run and feel safe?

The only safe place is around my kids. And that time is now so limited…
Pressure increasing. The “shoulda, woulda, coulda”.

And I can’t even say “Fuck it” anymore. ‘Cause now it’s no longer just about me.

Will I sell my soul to the devil
If I go?
Because I feel so.
An offer I can’t turn down,
Irresistible and sweet
Of change and challenge,
Of girl and woman power
Of hard work and man work.

I discovered a lot of weird scripts in my head.
The feminine script goes like this:
Women are not to be trusted.
They cannot defende themselves or their kids.
Women are weak. Women are vulnerable.
They’ll bow before others.
Women are vain. Appearances are much more important to them than essence.
Women will betray me, I cannot trust women.
If I wear makeup, I’m a bitch.
If I become interested in the way I look, I will become vain.
If I wear nice clothes and show interest in my hair, I’ll become dumb and superficial.
Women who get in positions of power are bitchy or they slept with somebody, that’s how they got there.
Women should talk less and do more in the house.
A woman has to be a good housekeeper in order to be woman enough.
Cleaning and cooking should be very important to a woman or she’s not women enough.
I’m not woman enough, as I’m not a good housekeer.
I’m not a good mother, because my kids cry when they see me.
I’m not a good wife, because I let my husband cook.
I’m not woman enough, because I’m not interested in the way I look.
My husband will cheat on me if I’m not a good housekeeper and I don’t look good.
My husband will cheat on me if I am a good housekeeper and I look good (like it happened to my mother).
Or I will cheat, because I’m like my father.
My mother didn’t like me too much because I was more like my father than like her.

Script put in my head by my parents and relatives (most of which were pretty violent towards women).
Some lines were put in my head by myself, after seeing my parents’ reactions.
How do I get rid of the script?

Veni, vidi, vi(n)ci

Ma asteptam la asta. Totusi, munca de 5 ani nu se uita asa usor.
Pentru a fi tester, e nevoie sa fii curios. Si sa cauti nod in papura :D
Mai departe, ce-o fi?

Numele care rimeaza cu Dragon si pare a fi o companie-mama. Intr-o echipa formata din 4 fete+1baiat.
Opus influentei paterne de aici. Unde sunt singura fata+4 baieti (si e bine).

**************************************************************

Cuvintele mele de mai demult au ramas in sufletul mamei. Ieri mi-a zis “Daca dupa atata timp inca nu accepti ca esti fata… Esti fata, esti femeie, esti mama…”.

Ce caut? Mai multa apreciere, vizibilitate, schimbare.
Schimbare exterioara care sa sileasca si o schimbare interioara… sau sa ingroape una interioara?
Razbunare pentru ca am fost scoasa fara sa fi dorit asta 100%? sau ptr ca am ramas Intermediate dupa atata timp? sau ptr cresterea mica-mica de salariu?
Resentimente pentru betele in roate puse de un om care s-a simtit amenintat? pentru haosul (e bug, nu e bug) la care contribuim si noi prin lipsa unor cunostinte?
Fuga de ceea ce ar putea deveni vreodata periculos? like Snow White?

Si unde as putea ajunge, fugind asa? In focul unui dragon necunoscut? Regasindu-mi Nemesis-ul cu care nu vreau sa ma mai intalnesc vreodata, totusi tanjesc dupa asta. Cu acest Nemesis nu pot exista scuze sau explicatii.
E ciudat ca BLOCAJ. Sunt cateva locuri in amintiri in care e blocaj si fiecare se leaga de cate un Scorpion. Si de scorpia din mine.

**************************************************
Ma enervez pe mine ca.
Inca ma agat de rahaturile astea, de faptul ca X, pe care-o respect, are o parere proasta despre mine pentru ca nu-s asa-si-asa, cum a vazut ea si cum e ea.
Nu-s gospodina, nu gatesc, nu-s mama buna (imi plang copiii cand ma vad).
Si ma las pe tanjala.

siiiiiiii fuck it, ca uite ce a aparut si habar n-aveam si iar mi se rascolesc planurile si ideile si mai bine m-as culca. dar nu pe o ureche.

STRESUL
imi roade unghiile
nu ma lasa sa dorm noaptea
si imi pune grasime pe burta
asa ca nu ma mai incap hainele

mereu incep si rareori termin
de ce sa termin lucrurile?
ele se termina oricum
daca nu, inseamna ca nu trebuiau sa se termine

dar, daca nu le termin,
cum voi sti ca s-au terminat?
au margini zdrentuite, nu clare
margini in care sa ma zdrelesc

urasc urasc urasc urasc urasc
acea mica reptila din creierul meu
acea legatura cu omul preistoric
care ma baga in unele belele si ma scoate din altele

lighioana aia nesuferita stie mai bine
decat mintea mea
ce i-ar trebui corpului meu
ce i-ar placea inimii mele

dar lighioana aia n-are habar
ca eu am ales si aleg alte cai
vreau sa sterg petele ADN-ului
si sa fie altfel urmasii

tu, lighioana, tu esti dragonul
sau restul???

NU TE STRESA
nu te stresa
nu te stresa
fuck it, si Iron Man avea atacuri de panica

lasa-ma sa stresez, s-o iau la fuga
si apoi, mintea mea va fi mai clara si mai limpede
voi raspunde bine la interviu
si apoi… apoi ce??

asta ma streseaza cel mai tare.
ce voi face DUPA?

ce sa fac?
de ce mi-e asa teama sa iau decizia
decizia in maini
sa-mi asum si greseala, si esecul, si ce merge bine
responsabilitatea
respingerea, atractia
timpul, banii
sau lipsa
dorul si timpul

copiii cresc.
si dragonii.

 

 

“I must not fear. Fear is the mind-killer. Fear is the little-death that brings total obliteration. I will face my fear. I will permit it to pass over me and through me. And when it has gone past I will turn the inner eye to see its path. Where the fear has gone there will be nothing. Only I will remain.”
Frank Herbert, Dune
“Seek freedom and become captive of your desires. Seek discipline and find your liberty.”
Frank Herbert, Chapterhouse: Dune
“There is no real ending. It’s just the place where you stop the story.”
Frank Herbert
Lasa-ti mintea sa zboare, sper ca esti fericit acum. Oare te gandesti la mine? sper ca esti fericit. Doar pentru ca doare, nu inseamna ca ai dreptate. Ma intreb ce faci acum? sper ca esti fericit…
Dear Snow White, closer you’re even more beautiful. Skin snow as white, hair black and red lips. But we’re in different stories.

Ce este depresia? Habar n-am.
Dar stiu ce inseamna frica, FRICA aia care te paralizeaza si te ingheata, pana ajunge sa te doara tot corpul, si tot mai putin ca interiorul…
Si mai stiu ce e durerea, DUREREA aia psihica mai puternica decat durerile nasterii (pe care le-am simtit), durerea aia atat de coplesitoare incat iti doresti sa nu mai existi, sa dispari, sa te neantizezi.
Si mai stiu cum e sa nu ai vreun sprijin din nicio parte, sa nu te poti duce sa vorbesti cu nimeni, iar cei mai apropiati sa-ti fie chiar ei zidurile care te inchid. Si te mint. Si te ranesc. In timp ce se ranesc si ei. Inchis intre ziduri sangerande si dusmanoase, am ajuns sa cred ca nu mai exista lumina. Ca exista doar rosu si negru. Si de-acolo, dupa un punct de cotitura, apare deshertul. E portocaliu-gri cu stanci sub suprafata carora urla chipuri distorsionate. Toate chipurile care spun ASA, ESTI ASA, SE INTAMPLA ASA, LUMEA E ASA, BARBATII SUNT ASA, FEMEILE SUNT ASA, OAMENII SUNT ASA, STAI LANGA MINE SI SPRIJINA-MA, PLEACA TRADATOAREO!

Si dupa ce apar cateva raze din carti, incepe mlastina gri-maro, namoloasa, in care inca ma mai afund din cand in cand.

Daca nici asta nu a fost depresie, nu stiu ce inseamna depresie.

Dar teama trebuie depasita si trebuie sa te schimbi si sa te evoluezi si sa pleci de langa niste oameni si sa te duci langa altii. Si atunci apare iarasi FRICA.
Iar cand in continuare nu ai cu cine vorbi dintre cei (teoretic) cei mai apropiati, cand te lovesti de refuz ca de zidurile de mai demult… incepi sa te intrebi (din nou) unde gresesti.

Noroc ca exista mereu raze de lumina. Nu te protejeaza, nu iti pun propte, dar te asculta. Sau iti zambesc, daca-s copii. Sau iti trimit imbratisari.

Si atunci mergi mai departe, ca o pantera neagra, ca un Scorpion ce transcede in Vultur, ca un Phoenix rasarind din cenusa…

 

P.S. Sa lasam barba deoparte si sa ascultam muzica. Am auzit-o o data, nu m-a impresionat, apoi mi-a tot venit in minte. A dospit in ganduri si emotii. Si de ce nu? Doar ptr ca un barbat e frumos ca o femeie si are barba. Nu va uitati la videolclip, nah!

da, uneori mi-e dor de ele, de switchurile mele.
nu exista 2 switchuri la fel, v-o zic eu.
mi-e dor de Piggy si Compass, oh, aproape ca mi-e dor si de masinile mele virtuale.

testarea aplicatiilor e mult mai vaga si imprecisa. un bug poate fi de la aplicatie, sau de alta aplicatie, sau de la softul general. standarde nu exista, fiecare implementeaza ce vrea.
pe cand la switchuri era mai clar. asta e rfcu, astia sunt alti vendori, tre sa ne putem conecta cu ei.
o fi bug de hard sau de os? mai simplu de descifrat.

dupa atatia ani de retele, e greu sa renunt complet.

poate ma voi intoarce pe camp.

Rise like a Phoenix, why not?

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